Month: August 2016

We surround ourselves with the familiar, stagnating in the mundane, while dreaming of the wild freeing beauty of adventure

I find myself more present in the moment, finding joy in the simplest of tasks

Pausing, looking through the eyes of my heart

Engaged in the wonders which surround me

A contentment unfamiliar yet fulfilling

My heart full

An excitement in the now, not knowing, accepting

Letting be rather than letting go

The past has cracked me however stitched together with tears of joy

Experiences ebb and flow through me

Open vulnerable giving

Seeking connection

Embracing my sparkle

Nurturing the relationship with self

Peace

 

Blessing and Much Aloha……..

A blank page, the clean slate, all the tapestry of life awaits me.

I struggle with what the truth 1 year later brings. I struggle with the labels society brands me with. The relationships permanently severed and those infinitely stronger.

Widow is not a death sentence, the definition is infinitely diverse from one to another. It is my believe in the definition for which I struggle. I grew up in a small loving community, albeit sheltered, never preparing me for death.  My grandmother when I was so young, too young to even know what it meant. My cousin whose tragic death scarred my heart forever with the funeral.

My only point of reference for widow, is old. That is what I saw when I was growing up. a couple who had lived their lives married for 60 plus years and one passed away. I struggle with what that means to me. Young, vibrant so much life left to live and the partner in this adventure gone.

The past year has taught me so much about my character and authentic self.

I no longer participate in small talk, I want to hear your story, what molded you into the person who is before me

I no longer bury myself in busy work to avoid feeling

I no longer seek approval from other, it comes from within

I no longer hide, I actively seek out connection

I  no longer settle

I no longer hold on to control

I no longer seek fulfillment in material items

There is a detachment between seeking fulfillment through material items, food, drugs, or alcohol and seeking fulfillment through connection, community and within you. Filling with things rather than love. Never will you truly be full until you look inside and listen to your soul.

I know in my heart this path I am on is a gift. The alone time, sometimes too much, returns me to focusing on purpose and discovery.

There are days when I am gasping for air when grief slaps me like the waves on the shore. Other days I feel such intense joy. Is it not what this life is to experience joy and sadness at such an intensity it makes you cry out. Without sadness would there be such intense joy.

I was numb for so long the first wave of joy was such overwhelming foreign concept I immediately tried to analyse it. Get out of your head and feel with a wide open vulnerable heart and watch the world unfold.

Let all of life flow through you in acceptance as you never let go of what you have experienced in your life however you change, adapt, and move forward.

As a family we hiked to Gimli Ridge as a final request from D. The journey was intense and at many points of the unrelenting trail I wanted to give in to the exhaustion. My son was instrumental in pushing me through to make it. The peak itself is magical and spiritual at 9100 feet/ 2774 m rising from the fog like cloud cover of the day.

On the side of the mountain with Gimli rising in the background I felt such exhilaration and intense joy. I knew why D wanted us to hike to such a spiritual wonder.

Thank you D

Blessings and Much Aloha…..

 

 

 

Alone…..Lonely…….

There is a fine line between the two and a constant shift emotionally when I think of these words. Is it a feeling, is it a state of being, or is it both?

Being alone can be such a gift in this time of constant stimulation. A time to regroup, slow down, just be. For some this is a terrifying place to be and it translates to loneliness. How do you accept, grow and learn from each state of being?

Do we lose ourselves in the “busyness” to avoid the perfect peace of being alone?

There is a freedom in being alone, a thrill to choose what you want.

• The thrill of travelling somewhere new solo.  Letting go and trusting the process and being open to adventure. I have made amazing connections in my solo travel.
• The release of paddling on the lake with nothing but the sounds of nature as your companion.
• The exhale when you know your children are safely held by the community, and for the moment you can let go.
• The exquisite focus and movement of yoga.
• The joy of no expectations.

There are also times you crave connection and the key being to reach out and ask for presence and know that a balance of both keeps you grounded.

For me is it loneliness or is it healing and discovery? I have discovered things about myself which are both good and areas where I need to grow and accept. In those “lonely” moments do I crave companionship or is it longing for what is gone? Unresolved unaccepted moments as I get lost in my minds wandering.

Do I want someone to share with, absolutely! However now is it my time of discovery and to nurture my soul. The relationship with yourself needs to be cared for more than any other.

When was the last time you spent quality time with you?

I shift grow and adjust to this new reality.

Right now is the time for me to shine in my authenticity. My vibe has absolutely attracted an amazing tribe.

I am alone in this moment however not lonely……

 

I want to talk about grief, openly, spill all the messiness and sit with it, not bury it like some burden or shameful secret.

It will be a year this month since my path was forever changed. It does not get easier, it shifts, moves, changes, fragments, and shatters. I experience moments of excruciating pain and blinding anger. I swear, I talk to myself or maybe it’s you, trying to rationalize how time moves forward and how I feel stuck in the same spot and forever changed at the same time.

I am a thinker, planner and deeply connected emotionally. I crave connectivity with others however avoid shallow surface conversations, choosing silence instead. I have a reoccurring dream of running away to a place I know no longer exists. A faded memory of a place I created in my mind of what this life is.

I cry, I sit with my grief, I wallow at times. I try to rationalize my thoughts and feeling based on society and fail miserably. Guess what people I want and need to talk about what I am going through not have assumptions made of how I should act and what your definition of grief is. We all will grieve different and so we should.

Do not judge me for you have not walked my path and I have not walked yours.

Yes, I am strong and thank you, however I too want to be told it will be OK and what I am feeling is OK. That deeply rooted need to survive and be loved is there. Kindness is so powerful. I crave it, seek it out.

I feel so heavy some days it takes everything in me to get moving. It truly is one moment at a time and being kind to yourself through the process. Despite the exterior bravado I am still hurting.

I am working through who I am each day on this new path and I see glimpses of the authentic whole me. I feel in limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. The lesson is in patience. The patience to be fully in grief and surrender to it all. Accept the joy, the pain, the heaviness, and the barrage of memories.

I want to share discoveries made through this process.

• Amazing individuals have entered my life
• I choose alone over settling
• I believe in love
• I feel joy so completely I cry
• Being authentic me brings authentic to me
• Be vulnerable, push past the fear
•  I cry, and cry and cry some more….there are no end to tears
• I am strong
• I choose silence over chaos
• Ask for support
• You will have such debilitating waves of anger
• Take a tiny step each day
• Inner strength picks you up
• You will want to hid from feelings, let them in no matter how ugly
• Believe in yourself

I do not know where this path leads, and yes it scares the hell out of me, however each day I begin with new hope and accept me for me.

Blessings and Much Aloha……