INTENSE SWEETNESS….

A blank page, the clean slate, all the tapestry of life awaits me.

I struggle with what the truth 1 year later brings. I struggle with the labels society brands me with. The relationships permanently severed and those infinitely stronger.

Widow is not a death sentence, the definition is infinitely diverse from one to another. It is my believe in the definition for which I struggle. I grew up in a small loving community, albeit sheltered, never preparing me for death.  My grandmother when I was so young, too young to even know what it meant. My cousin whose tragic death scarred my heart forever with the funeral.

My only point of reference for widow, is old. That is what I saw when I was growing up. a couple who had lived their lives married for 60 plus years and one passed away. I struggle with what that means to me. Young, vibrant so much life left to live and the partner in this adventure gone.

The past year has taught me so much about my character and authentic self.

I no longer participate in small talk, I want to hear your story, what molded you into the person who is before me

I no longer bury myself in busy work to avoid feeling

I no longer seek approval from other, it comes from within

I no longer hide, I actively seek out connection

I  no longer settle

I no longer hold on to control

I no longer seek fulfillment in material items

There is a detachment between seeking fulfillment through material items, food, drugs, or alcohol and seeking fulfillment through connection, community and within you. Filling with things rather than love. Never will you truly be full until you look inside and listen to your soul.

I know in my heart this path I am on is a gift. The alone time, sometimes too much, returns me to focusing on purpose and discovery.

There are days when I am gasping for air when grief slaps me like the waves on the shore. Other days I feel such intense joy. Is it not what this life is to experience joy and sadness at such an intensity it makes you cry out. Without sadness would there be such intense joy.

I was numb for so long the first wave of joy was such overwhelming foreign concept I immediately tried to analyse it. Get out of your head and feel with a wide open vulnerable heart and watch the world unfold.

Let all of life flow through you in acceptance as you never let go of what you have experienced in your life however you change, adapt, and move forward.

As a family we hiked to Gimli Ridge as a final request from D. The journey was intense and at many points of the unrelenting trail I wanted to give in to the exhaustion. My son was instrumental in pushing me through to make it. The peak itself is magical and spiritual at 9100 feet/ 2774 m rising from the fog like cloud cover of the day.

On the side of the mountain with Gimli rising in the background I felt such exhilaration and intense joy. I knew why D wanted us to hike to such a spiritual wonder.

Thank you D

Blessings and Much Aloha…..