October 2016 – Redefining Grief

Sunday morning, out for a walk, the clouds hung low, only a brief glimpse of the fresh snow on the peaks, hidden from sight however imprinted on the mind.

At every opportunity I stop breathe in the crisp morning air and truly see the beauty which surrounded me. The many shades of grey in the sky, the subtle textures of the rocks, the random burst of mushrooms through the ground, the vibrant shades of autumn leaves under foot and still clinging to the trees, and the ever present silence of approaching winter.

The trees are about to show you how beautiful letting go can be

The power went out yesterday, a frequent bonus of living remote, and brought my thoughts to how quickly time passes and how to slow the moment.

To be present, no agenda, is a frightening place for most of us to be. No endless list to check off, no telephone or computer to distract us from what is important, the now.

We are going to list, schedule, organize, prioritize, busy ourselves into the ground and one day wake up and 80 years have past and then what…..

When was the last time you sat quietly and listened to your soul?

Just be…..I challenge you to try it on and share the experience….

So I never wanted to be alone, felt I needed someone to fill the void inside me, never once considering I myself can fill that void by nurturing my heart and letting go of expectations I projected onto others.

Sad to think I felt I was incapable of being alone, it was a time with no self confidence and painfully shyness.

It is in the joy of aging and reflecting, becoming comfortable in your skin.

What a powerful awakening to say you like yourself, it transforms your whole world.

The more time I spend developing the relationship with myself, the more grounded, at peace and joy I experience.

This life is completely about the small moments of joy, laughter, and connection. That moment when you see a part of another’s soul.

I cherish those moments, seek them out, crave those glimpse into another’s being.

Powerful and life changing

I have made many wonderful deep connection the past year and continue to dig below the surface with all interactions.

My heart continues to have the cracks however it is illuminated with a glorious light.

Show me your soul….

Blessings and Much Aloha…..

The seasons continue to change both internal and external. The familiar anticipation of the wood stove being lit, the smell of comfort foods simmering, the crisp morning air, the warmth of being snuggled under the duvet as the first light of dawn appears, that complete silence in that space before the day begins.

I have grown and learned so much the past 407 days and continue to at every moment. Growth is messy uncomfortable work.

Honor the space between what was and what will be…..

Naked, exposed, vulnerable why are we so scared to show our authentic self.

I was asked to dinner this week and it happened so organic and naturally I leaned in and said yes.

The space between the ask and the actual date was telling. I had believed I was moving through this “new normal” well, being open and loving.

Surprise…. not so much

I broke both physically and mentally….shattered and it was messy.

My body was holding so much in, it rebelled and took me down, literally, flat on my back.

With the first adjustment at the Chiropractor, the flood gates opened. With the neck adjustment I was sobbing. I had wound myself so tight that the slightest touch released it all.

I am a paradox sheltering my heart from the connection that makes me flourish. I had fallen into safety, thus preventing me from moving forward and experiencing joy and dare I say love.

Fear, panic, self doubt exploded to the surface…completely irrational thoughts took over and I spiraled back to old patterns.

I loved the idea of moving forward however had build such a wall around my heart that I was stuck between fear and diving in.

I am so blessed to have a circle of amazing friends and family who embrace my messiness without judgement as well as give me the much needed dose of reality.

I just let go verbally and emotionally expressing my fears and doubts and in opening that door realized I was not living in the moment I was falsely creating the moments to come.

I needed grounding….I went back to my yoga practice and mantra of “I trust” and let be in that moment calm and at peace. I went to the lake which immediately grounded me to the present moment and was smiling as I let the water carry me.

I had so accelerated this one moment in time I had come to its conclusion even before the moment had happened.

My fear of taking this small step took over any rational thought whatsoever.

Without taking this step I would remain stuck, without growth, stagnant in my life.

Change is scary, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that is the sign to push through to the other side, whatever the outcome, growth will happen in the leap.

How did I move forward? By choosing the exact thing I loved and feared…..connection

I thank those fearless, as I perceive, people in my life who challenge my safety and push me to grow into my happiness.

And so with another first behind me, I reflect on the lessons learned….