The seasons continue to change both internal and external. The familiar anticipation of the wood stove being lit, the smell of comfort foods simmering, the crisp morning air, the warmth of being snuggled under the duvet as the first light of dawn appears, that complete silence in that space before the day begins.
I have grown and learned so much the past 407 days and continue to at every moment. Growth is messy uncomfortable work.
Honor the space between what was and what will be…..
Naked, exposed, vulnerable why are we so scared to show our authentic self.
I was asked to dinner this week and it happened so organic and naturally I leaned in and said yes.
The space between the ask and the actual date was telling. I had believed I was moving through this “new normal” well, being open and loving.
Surprise…. not so much
I broke both physically and mentally….shattered and it was messy.
My body was holding so much in, it rebelled and took me down, literally, flat on my back.
With the first adjustment at the Chiropractor, the flood gates opened. With the neck adjustment I was sobbing. I had wound myself so tight that the slightest touch released it all.
I am a paradox sheltering my heart from the connection that makes me flourish. I had fallen into safety, thus preventing me from moving forward and experiencing joy and dare I say love.
Fear, panic, self doubt exploded to the surface…completely irrational thoughts took over and I spiraled back to old patterns.
I loved the idea of moving forward however had build such a wall around my heart that I was stuck between fear and diving in.
I am so blessed to have a circle of amazing friends and family who embrace my messiness without judgement as well as give me the much needed dose of reality.
I just let go verbally and emotionally expressing my fears and doubts and in opening that door realized I was not living in the moment I was falsely creating the moments to come.
I needed grounding….I went back to my yoga practice and mantra of “I trust” and let be in that moment calm and at peace. I went to the lake which immediately grounded me to the present moment and was smiling as I let the water carry me.
I had so accelerated this one moment in time I had come to its conclusion even before the moment had happened.
My fear of taking this small step took over any rational thought whatsoever.
Without taking this step I would remain stuck, without growth, stagnant in my life.
Change is scary, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that is the sign to push through to the other side, whatever the outcome, growth will happen in the leap.
How did I move forward? By choosing the exact thing I loved and feared…..connection
I thank those fearless, as I perceive, people in my life who challenge my safety and push me to grow into my happiness.
And so with another first behind me, I reflect on the lessons learned….
- allow life to unfold unaltered by perception
- breathe long and deeply
- get it out……the thoughts and feelings by writing or speaking them
- exercise until you are so tired you cannot be”in your head”
- have someone you love call you on your shit
- holding pain, emotional or physical, will break you
- safety is scary and also stagnant
- Connection is joy
A final thought….as my date leaned in for a kiss I moved for a hug….
A work in progress I am, but aren’t we all
Blessings and Much Aloha!
Redefining Grief 