Month: November 2016

Have I developed some hard edges, cynicism about life?

Has what I have been through created a protective shell around my heart?

I watched this beautiful movie of a young girl who believed in destiny and she had been searched for her soul mate since she was a teenager. Turns out it was not quite the happy ending she had created in her mind.

What is a soul mate?

Is it a grande illusion created in your mind or is there someone out there you will meet and your life is forever changed?

I have made connections which have altered my path and changed the course of my life. Someone who looks into your soul and does not fear what they see.

I have loved and I have lost, be it by choice or out of my hands.

I believe in a grande, passionate, soul connecting love, however have a great fear of opening my heart after such grief and pain.

To let go of the illusion and be open to a soul connection is daunting.

There is so much love within me I fear it will burst to the surface like a spring flower.

My definition of connection is to share, be touched, held and be open.

I feel I am riding the wave of my emotions in order to avoid diving deep and discovering my most authentic self.

Those who know and love me know I love “my bubble”, it’s safe, protected and comforting. The dilemma of a bubble is it can become stagnant or burst at any given moment.

I wait…..for what? Like by some miracle someone will knock on my door with a sign the says “here’s your future”.

My future, my destiny is within my reach and the choices I make directly affect my future.

Just now I thought “when the boys are done school I will…” Why does it have to be later? What is stopping me from plunging into my dreams right now?

I want to explore new destinations, meet new people and feel the joy of discovery.

What can do to move forward with my dream?

1. Acknowledge I am afraid….OK I am terrified of hurt and pain…

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…Alfred Lord Tennyson

So if I live the rest of my life safe in my bubble what chance is there for growth, joy, or love for that matter?

Authenticity can be uncomfortable. It means not settling in work, relationships, life at all. It means not fitting into society’s need to conform.

2. Embrace my uniqueness

I love to burst into song at any given moment and dance. I search for beauty in every moment with an open heart and mind. I can sit and stare at the ocean for hours soaking in its movement and life. I am a dreamer.

3. Share my story

This blog started as my journey to health through changing the way I consume food and has now shifted to healing through sharing my story, open and honestly. I find peace when I write and feel joy in sharing a glimpse into my life.

So if you are willing to crack my soft shell you will expose genuine love and passion.

Blessings and Much Aloha……

Today I struggle….

With perceptions and expectations

The balance between what is said and how it is heard

Where to have my voice heard and when to let be

How to reach someone who is disconnected, turned off, tuned out and escaping through distraction

This world today is so disconnected in so many ways

Communication of choice is text, email, chat, over being physically present. I wonder what effect it is having on my children’s ability to connect socially?

My son fully admits to having discomfort in crowds and shying away from new experiences

Escaping to a video game over having a conversation

How do you rewire the brain, change the pattern, and form a new habit?

It takes commitment and constant awareness to change a pattern

When it is a 12 year old boy who is struggling with the loss of his Dad, it takes so much more

It is a constant push of limits, suppression of mother’s guilt, and dare I say ultimatums which can wear you down and self expectations become unrealistic

You feel pushed to the point of giving up or sometimes worse giving in, instead of facing the challenge head on

The definition and expectations of being a parent in our society is not achievable so I choose not to bend

How can anyone successfully balance work and raising children?

Each day I rise and do the best I can, stumble, reflect, get back up, try again. Never give up as your child looks to you for guidance and models your behaviours

That realization engulfs with in a wave of emotion and breaks my heart as my youngest son learned his coping skills from me

I threw myself into work, busied myself with distractions instead of facing my fears. I use myself as an example with my son and admit to my mistake and share with him that I work every day to change the behaviour. Daily I show him how to deal constructively not destructively when not knowing how to express emotions

I believe that is the difficult part, as changing behaviour has no quick fix, it takes work, tears, laughter, frustration and even anger to work throug.

Relationships, any relationship, takes commitment, compromise and transparency and the weight in molding a child is heavy

Those days when I cry yourself to sleep from self doubt, replaying over and over in my mind how I could have done it differently, be aware we are all imperfect and doing the best we can every damn day

Be kind to yourself

I remember so clearly the influencing messages of those who surrounded me

Be strong
Do more
Super mom
Show no weakness

I cannot approach parenting like a task to get over with. It needs time, dedication, nurturing and more love than you ever thought was possible

I now know this was not my voice it was others expectations and to be vulnerable and ask for help was when I also let the floodgate of emotions open

Being strong is actually showing vulnerability and authenticity
I struggle
I get angry
I yell
I revert to old patterns
I threaten
I give in
I negotiate
I love
I forgive

I am not alone in these feelings and I have learned to be kind and forgive myself

When my son and I react to one another I cry in front of him and say I’m sorry and express how I am feeling in hopes of rewiring his brain of past behavior. It works and is so much work and commitment

The pain of the words “go away” and “leave me alone” cut deeply

I have learned to give him space however ask how long does he want to be alone and come back to hold him and talk it out

It is far from perfect however every day I wake up thankful and every night I reflect with gratitude on the day

My relationship with my boys will be perfectly imperfect and together through these challenges we will form a stronger connection

Being a mom is the most exhausting, emotionally draining thing I’ve ever experienced…

Love keeps me together….

Blessings and Much Aloha….