Memories wash over me like the cool salt water of the ocean I grew up near and spent every summer in.
The thing about memories is that they fade and soften becoming translucent with time.
My Dad has been weighing heavily on my mind as his health takes anther shift.
Two memories instantly come to mind as a shift in our relationship.
The first being when I was 25 and decided to end my 2 year marriage. The gloss had faded and I woke up one morning asking if this was the life I wanted for myself. I remember calling home and speaking to Dad, not one for phone conversations at all. The one thing he asked is if I was happier since I had made the decision. I said yes. He will never know the impact those few words had on me.
The next few months were difficult to move through however I kept those words in my head to move me forward and they projected me into the life D and I formed together.
The choices you make have a profound effect on your life. Don’t ever think they do not.
Thank you Dad.
The second time was when I woke up turned to D and said I need to go home. So home I went and proceeded to surprise Mom and Dad. It’s this thing I do for fun. It was the last time I would surprise visit them.
I walked up the stairs to the living room and at that moment I realized my Dad was growing old and frail. He looked at me no teeth and all and began to cry saying I knew you would come. Powerful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Now tears were never something to expect to see from Dad as I imagine he was brought up to never show weakness and shove all emotion down.
Seeing that vulnerability in my Dad made me feel closer than I ever have to him. We had a special moment connecting on a deeper level than we ever have. He was real.
Thank you Dad
I now sit filled with equal amounts of joy and sadness….
Redefining Grief 