Month: June 2017

I sit alone in a hotel room trying to calm the waves of emotions, feeling my body scream from stress and searching for the off button to the constant loop of white noise in my head.

My focus is lost in days which feel like hours and hours which feel like minutes. So wanting to open my heart and pour out the struggle and fear of making a life altering decision.

I am blessed in so many facets of my life, however feel a void longing to be filled.

Father’s Day was raw. I closed up, locked my heart and turned away from the pain. I was physically knocked down with the force of anger which returned and felt the darkness reach for me. I gave in and felt myself drowning in grief.

Some days even growth means returning to old patterns, sitting alone, processing.

The key for me is to recognize where I am, accept, and expose the rawness of the moment.

As the moments rise up, the pain becomes more intense as the reality of death sinks into my soul. To look in the mirror and see clearly takes strength and courage, which frankly some days, does not show up.

As two years approach the fog of grief clears but intensifies in the same moment. I cry, not everyday now, but it flows.

I am not where I thought I would be in my life, however that is the gift of life. To let be, release control and lean in to the experience.

Find your peace in the white noise of life.

This is what brings balance back to my world…

• Writing – What a gift to gather up the chaos of my mind, the ugly and all, and get it out. I am a firm believer in this form of cleanse
• Silence – I was a small talk girl once however now I want to speak my truth and sit in the silence. This rejuvenates my spirit
• Water – Whenever I feel unbalanced I feel the pull of the water. Whether it be a plunge to bring me to the present or the joy of gliding on the surface. There is a great healing in water
• Earth – The feel of the grass, rocks, sand beneath my feet. The feel of soil in my hands nurturing the growth of flowers and vegetables creates a connection to the bigger picture
• Sun – The feel of warmth on the skin, the mental lift it provides
• Sleep – Sweet glorious rejuvenating sleep
• Yoga – This is the definition of being present. The movement of the body and quieting of the mind
• Solitude – With a demanding job and two teenage boys, being alone is a gift. A time out from all
• Support – Knowing I can reach out and have support at any moment is a gift

 

I grow each day, fall back into old patterns, fall down, rise up, ask for support and move forward.

It is messy and joyful and it is my life.

Much Aloha…….

The constant dance of life, moving forward and then suddenly pulled back by a memory or scent. Perhaps it is the heavy dullness of cloud cover and rain which drags me down or that Spring was D’s favorite time of the year. The blend of past and present which shifts and ever changes. I have been shaped by my past however constantly aware I am morphing each day molded by interaction and circumstance. Some move me forward others stagnant, others return me to old habits.

It is a time of regrowth and new beginnings and perhaps that explains my restlessness. The need, even internal push to keep moving and avoid sitting with the silence. I crave so much the company of another and at the same time the peace of stillness. To find the balance.

My heart is both heavy and full, the balance between joy and pain is blurred by the flood of memories. Breathe in breathe out, the constant ying and yang of life. Life moves forward. The hours, days and months blend together into one. I am acutely aware of  the passage of time and learning how to be present in each moment.

The boys grow, change and suddenly I see a glimpse of the men they are becoming.

The constant for me is how to fill the void of growing up without a Dad. As a woman how can I fill that space? The truth being I cannot and I accept that….however…

As I sat with an amazing group of women, all with different perspectives shaped by their life experiences I realized this, right in that moment, is what is needed to raise strong, emotionally intelligent young men. This community of women supporting each other through the many joys and heartbreaks of life through both laughter and tears.

The wisdom and insight of this diverse group inspires me to keep striving toward being a model of resilience for my boys.

Honesty, transparency and vulnerability become lifelines in this process. When pulled into negativity the balance of what serves me and what must be let go off becomes uncertain. Let it come in, sit with it and let it go.

I am perfectly imperfect, struggling daily with constant demands.

I looked into the darkness and felt the pull, as I looked closer, my eyes began to clear and through all those cracks the light began to pour in.
The darkest times transport me toward my destiny….

As a woman, a community of women is key to digging in, removing barriers and getting to the root cause. Being open to differences of opinion and truly listening without judgement brings such insight and growth.

Find your tribe.

Those amazing spirits who accept you and embrace all facets of you

Those who celebrate your accomplishments

Those who are there for you during challenges

Those who make you laugh through streaming tears

Those whose presence you feel even when distance is great

Those who check in for no reason

Those who hold up the mirror when necessary

Those who see when you cannot through the layers of emotion

 

My boys are so blessed to be surrounded by such women who influence their daily lives.

This blog is dedicated to all the amazing women who continue to show up and be present for both myself and my boys.

Thank you and Much Aloha!!!