Month: July 2017

Calm, centered, grounded….

This sense of peace lingers as I sit reflecting on a truly connective weekend. Each person I shared space with showed vulnerability and opened their heart, mind and soul which only made our connection stronger.

The mind is quiet. The awareness of this not taken lightly.

How often is our mind truly quiet?

The connection of the physical body, nature and the quiet mind is not lost to me.

The physical tired is balanced with a feeling of rejuvenation. To truly connected and share moments of greatness with a person you respect, value and admire is truly invigorating. It lifts you to new heights of awareness.

You can make a difference. It is those small moments that have a ripple effect on the worlds energy as a whole.

Think about the impact you have, even in the smallest of encounter, and what influence you have in these moments?

I have had the joy of meeting and connecting with incredible spirits. The more I open the more deeply connected I become.

It is the depth of connection which truly moves me. To have a safe space and allow all judgement to be removed has shifted my energy.

To be told you have impacted a life is a humbling experience. It renews faith in myself and the journey I am on is purposeful and adds value.

How do you add value?

What is your purpose?

The greatest insight I have to offer is to be continually questioning your path, be open to new experiences and connections, and be present in the moment and take it all in, no matter how ordinary.

I am content not stagnant….

The shift continues as my awareness deepens and my spirit connects with natures. The move from a cluttered mind to peace becomes easier as I let go and let be.

I feel  a calm settle over me and embrace it knowing it is fleeting.

For the first time in seven years I feel present and focused on the now.

Never give up on hope even if it takes you down the road of loss and grief. The lessons learned, shattering of the heart, a stronger me emerges and this all brings me to now, this moment.

I feel the past is finally just that, the future will come and the now is where I must be fully present.

What is one thing you can do right now to be present in the moment?

Blessings and Much Aloha…….

 

 

 

Memories come to the surface, spill over and run down my cheeks. Is it possible the pain can feel more intense now?

If I have learned anything the past 2 years it is that there are no set days or events when the grief hits you, it can be so random it feels I am losing my mind. Some dates of  significance just pass, no recognition verbally or emotionally. Other times a scent or word will take my breath away.

Now as the fog clears and the light of reality sets in I struggle with, let’s be honest, all of it.

It feels like a taboo in our society to talk about death, better to bury it never to surface again.

Please talk to me about Darek, Tell me your favorite story, more importantly tell these stories to the boys so they can picture their Dad as a boy, a friend, a single young man.

These stories and memories are vital for the boys to continue to have a sense of their Dad and be influenced by his character. Now and in years to come the boys will value these stories so much.

Let me talk of him, laugh, cry even curse him. I need this as part of my healing. It is my journey through grief and mine alone. How I process, express, and move forward is my choice and I make no apologies.

I am not living in the past, I am building a legacy for the boys to carry into adulthood, one Darek would be proud of. It truly comes down to how do I want to honor his life and the impact he had on those around him.

Darek and I came together for a reason, more than the obvious and unexpected joy of being parents, something neither of us had planned.

• He taught me to see beauty in nature
• He taught me to lighten up
• He taught me patience
• He showed my what strength looks like
• He introduced me to jazz
• He showed me the joy in cooking together
• He taught me to develop an appreciation for scotch
• He showed me how to communicate without words
• He taught me to appreciate the simple pleasure
• He brought balance
• He encouraged my passions
• He understood the value of time alone
• He loved us

Don’t get me wrong he was not perfect, I am far from perfect, our relationship had challenges however when you dig to the root of a relationship it was based on love and respect.

I have no “ah ha”on how I get through each day, I approach each day anew and build a life with my boys. I am strong and determined to lead the best life possible and be an example of strength and influence for my boys.

Do not waste a second of this precious life, in an instant it can change.

That thing you fear to change, that lingering thought, go out and do it, embrace it, and find your joy.

You alone can change the course of your life.

Blessing and Much Aloha…..

The picture captures Darek’s love of life and joy in the simple moments

As I peel back the layers of experiences collected over the years, am I peeling back the layers of memories I have collected and returning to the original? Reliving memories with each item I touch, a daunting task. Is that why I look at a trip to Nova Scotia with such unsettled anticipation?

Another step which holds the mirror of my new reality, clearly and harshly.

The labels flood my brain, single mom, widow and alone. Not at all the reality I had dreamed of as a child and I lived a dream like childhood, not a care in the world. Am I returning to that shy childlike state, which hid from the world, filling my days with outdoor adventures and discoveries?

Will my sense of obligation override my desire to revisit specific places and memories?

I feel stuck between the past and reconciling the present.

Is this yet another step in my process of letting go and acceptance? I must lean in and welcome what comes next, whether or not it brings closure.

Now, if I am getting real with myself, a huge part of the anticipation is how do I reconcile my emotions when it comes to Dad’s death and I was not there. I know in my heart the Dad I grew up admiring and loving was no longer present, however that sense of obligation creeps in and can overwhelm rational thought.

How to go back home knowing I will not see or hug him ever again?

That’s it, tears flow now…

Memories are a strange part of life, we push out the unsettling ones and dwell on the happy ones, tending to gloss them over as perfection.

It is those unsettling one that let you know dig deeper, take a closer look, work through your emotions, what triggered these feelings and where the largest growth happens.

I have felt detached from my family ever since D’s death and perhaps even resentful no one was here to support me through that unknown darkness. I own these feeling as I did not ask for them to come and assumed, as we all do in families, they would just know what I needed. Blame is a wasted unproductive emotion and I will not dwell there.

Even as I grow older the deep glimpses of me as a child come to the surface and insecurity spills over. That childhood sense of wanting to belong and be loved.

A Dad is that first male figure you are shaped by and time with him limited at my young age, the need to please became a habit, and to this day hard to shake at times.

Obligation, a sense I struggle with when I think of home. I do not have this in my present life at all. I have build an incredible network of friends who accept and champion me.

What a delicate balance to try to communicate with the generational, spiritual, and religious and cultural differences a family holds individually and is shaped by.

Is this my growth, accepting and revealing my flaws to release the power they once held over me?

So I will head to my childhood home, feel deeply, and be present in all which bubbles up.

How do you face your flaws?

Blessings and Much Aloha…