Month: October 2017

I lay in bed unable to sleep. I reach for my journal and began to pour out the many random thoughts in my head. The thoughts formed into words and a theme emerged. I then drifted off to sleep.

When our story has become my story, paused in a constant memory loop how do I write a new chapter? Stuck between obligations and practicality how do I dare dream of possibilities? The story continues with daily reminders, living in our home and the life we built here.

The urge to run is strong and leave the pain behind, however running only brings physical distance the emotional turmoil weighs heavy. My whole being screams change, start over anew.

In truth and guilt I stay for the boys, their security, this home and life we have is their last connection to Daddy. Most of their memories are held in this home and the life we had here together.

I stay to face it, write it, honor it, forgive, believe, and let be.

The irony of rewrites, the crumbled up paper, like my emotions scattered around me where our story ended and the fuzzy blank canvas awaits my first stroke.

The paralysis of what ifs pull me under while the joy of possibilities rise to the surface.

It has been two year in my growth and it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like living a life awaiting your return. That’s it I still feel you here.

Will our souls be entwined by an eternal thread forever? Yes, my love will remain however shift with time and new connections.

My days are filled with much joy and suddenly it hits me and memories flood. There is no warning sign, it crashes like waves, soothing in the beginning until it builds to tumultuous. The truth of no longer feeling your touch or the smell of you breaks my heart.

Your story still fills our life and we speak of you daily especially now that autumn is here in its full splendor. How do I blend this into our new reality?

How do I balance keeping your memory alive and writing a new chapter for me, this is where I sit and struggle.

How can I push through, past the guilt and move forward?  I am here with the boys and he never will witness the joy of them growing into men. That truly weighs the heaviest.

Is honoring you and your chapters in my life holding me back from experiencing love once again?

We talked of this, no you talked of this, in your final days. Very clearly telling me to fall in love and move on once you were gone. In listening to those words I brushed them off with the painful realization that our story was ending.

Now I know what a gift you were giving me, the permission, the letting go in those words. And then once again when you came to me in a dream and held me one last time.

In hindsight my response, or lack of one, was my ego.

I have felt that deep connection with another in the past two years however the convenience of thousands of miles has made it uncomplicated and on my terms. In that choice of communicating through writing only, there is a safety in the distance.

Showing vulnerability in written words is easy as the other is not directly accessible physically or emotionally. There is a freedom in this as the lack of physical presence has no room for misinterpreted body language. However there is also lack of intimacy.

Relationship of any kind are challenging and require commitment. To explore a new relationship, begin again, is that what I want?

Without hesitation yes, however, I must show up, be vulnerable and completely  authentic. However I am getting in my own way, staying safely within my bubble and choosing to remain here. How do I push through the fear of failure, rejection?

I will have nothing to lose if I never try. Say what I want and even if rejected, it’s all ego, life will move forward.

Was Tennyson correct? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Yes it is my truth.

I have lived this and the experience, both the deepest joy and sadness, has molded me into who I am today.

Today, now, I declare I will move forward, ask for what I want, even if rejected, and push through the ego to live my truth.

That is my small step, which I realize is terrifying yet the potential to yield exquisite results is worth the risk.

Imagine telling someone you love them, your deepest hopes, dreams, and fear.

OK, yes I do have that with my fire sister, however what is more vulnerable than sharing with a partner.

It comes back to that sense of home, that deeply familiar, electric current, connection with another soul. True vulnerability is so powerfully connective.

That is love.

How will you choose to push through those fearful moments?

Blessing and Much Aloha…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baggage whether it be emotional or physical comes in many forms. Our perception of the world and those around us is forever shaped by our past and influences how we respond to stress in our daily lives.

A word, smell, or memory can trigger a reaction, from that place of pain, locked away in your heart. In paying attention a pattern can be identified and we can train ourselves to allow, identify, accept, and let go.

For me “the cancer years”, yup that’s what my life became, forever shifted, was filled with wine. I do not remember a moment when I did not have a glass of wine as my comfort and escape from the reality and stress of living with cancer.

It took me all these years of self examination to admit wine was no longer a social joy and had turned into a daily habit. I am not sure of the exact moment it changed from social fun and joyous. What I do remember is the slightest stress and I would pour a glass.

The weight of the stress was crushing. The denial, the complete focus on work and the boys, the avoidance of death as a reality, closing my heart and mind, the mood swings, the lack of connection, no intimacy, words which cut so deep I turned off completely.

I remember so clearly sitting in D’s room and he sharing his regrets trying to reconcile dying, how you do that I have no idea, and his word cutting so deep I could barely breathe. The tears threaten to spill over thinking about those words. I witnessed such joy in those last moments with him and such heart wrenching pain at the same time.

I could see the struggle in him as he said he wished he had never met and married me. In that moment I chose grace for the first time in my life. I thanked him for sharing with me stood up and left the room. I do not remember the drive home or anything after that. I wanted to scream running from it all. The pain in that moment was the deepest I have ever felt.

I now realize how difficult it was for him to share all his regrets and it was so not about me, it was him trying to process his life in that moment knowing he would have no more time.

Regrets are wasted, however to reflect on them and learn to grow is the gift.

With all of this pushing me to the darkest place of my life, wine made it all go away and I actually felt nothing. I was going through the motions of life, in a blur, in hopes I would never feel my shattered heart.

As I look back and reflect on who I became, I truly thought I was coping well. The cracks began to show in my son’s behavior. When your child mirrors your behavior it can be a cold slap of reality. His anger bubbled to the surface almost daily as if to show me what I must do to move through the pain.

I continue to struggle with stress daily however make better choices in how to process.

What do you carry with you?

It is my hope that some of these strategies will work for you during stress:

 

1.  Get it out, write it down, scream, laugh, find a safe person to share both your darkness and your light.
2. Get outside. Being on the water has healed me more than anything. I am actually so connected I feel pulled to the water during stress.
3. The ability to put thoughts and feeling down and record them is a powerful tool. Writing comes to me in those moments of clarity and has brought a light to me.
4. Less stuff more adventures. If I can leave this as my legacy to my boys then I have fulfilled my purpose.
5. Connect with people, be vulnerable, open to love. Being closed to the world does not serve anyone.
6. Change the dialogue in your head. Self talk has a powerful influence on your well being.
7. Change the environment, change your perspective.
8. Be authentically you. You will bring those who are meant to be in your life.
9. Pain brings transformation, what kind is your choice.
10. Tell those you love how much you love, appreciate and are grateful for them.

 

Today I am stronger and more vulnerable due to my journey. I have stumbled, fallen, and broken however always got back up and moved forward.

Blessings and Much Aloha……