What We Carry With Us…..

Baggage whether it be emotional or physical comes in many forms. Our perception of the world and those around us is forever shaped by our past and influences how we respond to stress in our daily lives.

A word, smell, or memory can trigger a reaction, from that place of pain, locked away in your heart. In paying attention a pattern can be identified and we can train ourselves to allow, identify, accept, and let go.

For me “the cancer years”, yup that’s what my life became, forever shifted, was filled with wine. I do not remember a moment when I did not have a glass of wine as my comfort and escape from the reality and stress of living with cancer.

It took me all these years of self examination to admit wine was no longer a social joy and had turned into a daily habit. I am not sure of the exact moment it changed from social fun and joyous. What I do remember is the slightest stress and I would pour a glass.

The weight of the stress was crushing. The denial, the complete focus on work and the boys, the avoidance of death as a reality, closing my heart and mind, the mood swings, the lack of connection, no intimacy, words which cut so deep I turned off completely.

I remember so clearly sitting in D’s room and he sharing his regrets trying to reconcile dying, how you do that I have no idea, and his word cutting so deep I could barely breathe. The tears threaten to spill over thinking about those words. I witnessed such joy in those last moments with him and such heart wrenching pain at the same time.

I could see the struggle in him as he said he wished he had never met and married me. In that moment I chose grace for the first time in my life. I thanked him for sharing with me stood up and left the room. I do not remember the drive home or anything after that. I wanted to scream running from it all. The pain in that moment was the deepest I have ever felt.

I now realize how difficult it was for him to share all his regrets and it was so not about me, it was him trying to process his life in that moment knowing he would have no more time.

Regrets are wasted, however to reflect on them and learn to grow is the gift.

With all of this pushing me to the darkest place of my life, wine made it all go away and I actually felt nothing. I was going through the motions of life, in a blur, in hopes I would never feel my shattered heart.

As I look back and reflect on who I became, I truly thought I was coping well. The cracks began to show in my son’s behavior. When your child mirrors your behavior it can be a cold slap of reality. His anger bubbled to the surface almost daily as if to show me what I must do to move through the pain.

I continue to struggle with stress daily however make better choices in how to process.

What do you carry with you?

It is my hope that some of these strategies will work for you during stress:

Get it out, write it down, scream, laugh, find a safe person to share both your darkness and your light.
Get outside. Being on the water has healed me more than anything. I am actually so connected I feel pulled to the water during stress.
The ability to put thoughts and feeling down and record them is a powerful tool. Writing comes to me in those moments of clarity and has brought a light to me.
Less stuff more adventures. If I can leave this as my legacy to my boys then I have fulfilled my purpose.
Connect with people, be vulnerable, open to love. Being closed to the world does not serve anyone.
Change the dialogue in your head. Self talk has a powerful influence on your well being.
Change the environment, change your perspective.
Be authentically you. You will bring those who are meant to be in your life.
Pain brings transformation, what kind is your choice.
Tell those you love how much you love, appreciate and are grateful for them.