I lay in bed unable to sleep. I reach for my journal and began to pour out the many random thoughts in my head. The thoughts formed into words and a theme emerged. I then drifted off to sleep.
When our story has become my story, paused in a constant memory loop how do I write a new chapter? Stuck between obligations and practicality how do I dare dream of possibilities? The story continues with daily reminders, living in our home and the life we built here.
The urge to run is strong and leave the pain behind, however running only brings physical distance the emotional turmoil weighs heavy. My whole being screams change, start over anew.
In truth and guilt I stay for the boys, their security, this home and life we have is their last connection to Daddy. Most of their memories are held in this home and the life we had here together.
I stay to face it, write it, honor it, forgive, believe, and let be.
The irony of rewrites, the crumbled up paper, like my emotions scattered around me where our story ended and the fuzzy blank canvas awaits my first stroke.
The paralysis of what ifs pull me under while the joy of possibilities rise to the surface.
It has been two year in my growth and it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like living a life awaiting your return. That’s it I still feel you here.
Will our souls be entwined by an eternal thread forever? Yes, my love will remain however shift with time and new connections.
My days are filled with much joy and suddenly it hits me and memories flood. There is no warning sign, it crashes like waves, soothing in the beginning until it builds to tumultuous. The truth of no longer feeling your touch or the smell of you breaks my heart.
Your story still fills our life and we speak of you daily especially now that autumn is here in its full splendor. How do I blend this into our new reality?
How do I balance keeping your memory alive and writing a new chapter for me, this is where I sit and struggle.
How can I push through, past the guilt and move forward? I am here with the boys and he never will witness the joy of them growing into men. That truly weighs the heaviest.
Is honoring you and your chapters in my life holding me back from experiencing love once again?
We talked of this, no you talked of this, in your final days. Very clearly telling me to fall in love and move on once you were gone. In listening to those words I brushed them off with the painful realization that our story was ending.
Now I know what a gift you were giving me, the permission, the letting go in those words. And then once again when you came to me in a dream and held me one last time.
In hindsight my response, or lack of one, was my ego.
I have felt that deep connection with another in the past two years however the convenience of thousands of miles has made it uncomplicated and on my terms. In that choice of communicating through writing only, there is a safety in the distance.
Showing vulnerability in written words is easy as the other is not directly accessible physically or emotionally. There is a freedom in this as the lack of physical presence has no room for misinterpreted body language. However there is also lack of intimacy.
Relationship of any kind are challenging and require commitment. To explore a new relationship, begin again, is that what I want?
Without hesitation yes, however, I must show up, be vulnerable and completely authentic. However I am getting in my own way, staying safely within my bubble and choosing to remain here. How do I push through the fear of failure, rejection?
I will have nothing to lose if I never try. Say what I want and even if rejected, it’s all ego, life will move forward.
Was Tennyson correct? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Yes it is my truth.
I have lived this and the experience, both the deepest joy and sadness, has molded me into who I am today.
Today, now, I declare I will move forward, ask for what I want, even if rejected, and push through the ego to live my truth.
That is my small step, which I realize is terrifying yet the potential to yield exquisite results is worth the risk.
Imagine telling someone you love them, your deepest hopes, dreams, and fear.
OK, yes I do have that with my fire sister, however what is more vulnerable than sharing with a partner.
It comes back to that sense of home, that deeply familiar, electric current, connection with another soul. True vulnerability is so powerfully connective.
That is love.
How will you choose to push through those fearful moments?
Blessing and Much Aloha…..
Redefining Grief 