Snow falls, silence comfort, a new year begins, a time of reset
I remind myself to breathe
Right now take the deepest breath in and slowly let it out.
That is the breath of life, such a natural function we take for granted the healing power of the breath.
My heart aches for a friend who is going through unimaginable grief and it reminds me how much this life is a gift with an expiration date, not within our control.
Stop, observe, how do you reconcile those emotions circling your brain, stabbing at your heart, and running down your cheeks?
The recorded clinical stages of grief are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargining
Depression
Acceptance
Grief is not linear, or logical, or controlled, or the stages to be approached as a to do list checking off the boxes with the belief you will not feel that emotion again.
How you choose to move through trauma will determine your path from that moment forward.
Either you rise and choose love over the pain and emotional turmoil or you choose to spiral out of control drowning in your grief.
A transformative shift occurred when Darek died and I continue to do so daily with the influences which surrounding me.
Another huge shift occurred with the tragedy here in our community. A punch in the gut reality check to each of our mortality.
Even when you have experience in the clinical process of grief, it shifts and changes moment to moment day to day. There is no pattern to the stages of grief and each person moves through them in their own time. There is no right way to grieve, despite societies expectations of what it looks like.
Here is what I have learned through loss which may contribute in supporting someone who is grieving.
- “Observe don’t absorb” Wise words from my fire sister. As individuals we come with our own perceptions of loss and how to move through it. Step back from those perceptions and remove judgement of how someone should act and feel and this will not serve you or the person you are trying to support.
- Be present, there is no need to fill the silence. There were so many days I had no idea what I wanted or needed. Food was placed in front of me, the support system in place took care of the life around me which kept moving. The fact the world kept moving was the most painful realization for me.
- There is no expiry date on grief. Even now 2.5 years later I feel the loss at times just as intensely as day one. In the days and months to come the support and check ins will diminish. The second year was so painful as the fog lifted and I realized he is not coming home. The need for support was intense and I learned to seek it out.
- The pull to run away is great and give yourself permission to remove yourself from the pain and begin to rebuild. You will also want to retreat into yourself and take moments to be alone, sit with your grief and breathe.
- Have a go to person. Someone you can share the painful ugly emotions with. If kept inside these dark thoughts will fester and grow. As I reflect on some of the horrible dark thoughts I shared, it frightened me to say out loud however once said the words had no power over me.
- Laughter can heal. I remember the first time I laughed after Darek died and I felt so guilty I immediately cried. Guilt is such a destructive emotion. The stories shared and laughter provide healing to those in need and keep their legacy continuing in a different form.
- Ask for help, reach out. There are so many who are willing to do anything to support in any way possible.
Understand this was my process and we each meet loss in our own way. I share this only in hope to give a small insight into my journey and how you may be able to support in this time of need.
Life is forever changed with loss, the hole in your heart never repairs however you can choose love and kindness to honor the memory and build a legacy on the foundation of love.
Sending love and light to those in need…..
Redefining Grief 