I sit in stunned silence
The surroundings disappear and I am floating, not present, no longer hearing what is being said.
Words which penetrate the fog however do not process…..
Restructure
No reflection of your 12 years of service
Turn in your keys
In that moment ego takes over with anger, hurt, and in shock.
A cry escapes my lips, I hold my breath in an effort to squash it, and sit taller.
They drone on, unmoved and unaware, intent on delivering the script set out on paper in front of them.
As I look back I am stunned at how me being fired without cause was twisted around in order to make the individuals delivering the message feel better about themselves.
I realize as I walk out my life is forever altered once again and feel the panic rise in me.
A defining moment, that is what comes to mind now. There are moments in life that will test you and define you as a person. I believe this was one of them.
I drive to my safe place and as soon as I hear “What happened” a primal scream escapes me and the tears flow freely.
I am so grateful to have people in my life where I can be unapologetically me.
It takes great courage to share the messiness of emotions during drama and I am proud to let them out and no longer burying them.
In every challenge I continue to be fascinated by human nature and the emotional response to a traumatic event.
Shame, an emotion which can shred your spirit, creeps in. It searches for a place to plant itself, fester, and grow within the soul.
I sit in the grief and use every bit of my reserve resilience to pull myself up, evaluate, and stare into the blank canvas which is now my life.
Life has shown me many lessons and in those dark times I get up and move through the pain.
I have been to the darkest place in my mind and never once was giving up an option.
What drives me to keep moving?
So many times I have been asked this.
We all have the strength and are equipped with the tools to rise in the face of pain. It is whether to choose to listen to our head or our heart which determines resilience.
These are the events which have altered my being over the years…
I have caught a partner cheating
I have faced the death of a family member
I have been divorced
I have struggled with motherhood after giving birth
I have watched my love, my friend, my husband disappear in front of my eyes
I have been restructured out of a job
There is power is listing these events. If anything it gives perspective on how you walk through challenges and come out, changed, on the other side.
The darkness is daunting, not staying there is where the hard work comes in. Not listening to those thoughts which tear down your spirit is vital to recovery, resilience and getting back up once again.
Is the loss of basic empathy a cause for such anxiety and depression?
How have we turned into such an “all about me” society?
More screen time then genuine connection time, has turned the world into a place where opinions run rampant made by individuals hiding behind a screen, with such a heartbreaking lack of emotional intelligence.
I feel a deep sadness when I think about the world today and how we have taken freedom of speech to a level of absurdity and disrespect.
The level of societal entitlement is reflected in social media posts trying to connect however we are left feeling more disconnected, stuck in our perceptions.
What can be done to change this pattern?
That is the challenge now, to sit with the ego, acknowledge where I am today and be gentle with myself.
There are times when it is no longer enough to be nudged to move on and then the universe delivers an unexpected blow to wake you up.
Listen to these messages as you are being nudged because, trust me, the lesson is there.
Do not let fear of the unknown stop you from living, becoming complacent, and moving through life without purpose.
As I sit with the fear of the unknown my stomach churns with some excitement as well. The blank canvas awaits for me to passionately color outside the lines and once again start anew. As the sun shines brightly with each new day I will spread my sparkle and live my authentic vulnerable life.
Blessings and Much Aloha….
Redefining Grief 