Author: whatsuppaleo

A couple of weeks ago I lost a ring. It was not expensive however the response I had to losing it surprised me and gave me pause to dive into the core of this response.

I immediately went into a panic turning my home, mind and emotions into a swirling pool of chaos.

While initially in this state nothing makes sense and you drive yourself into more of a frenzy.

Then, after a long walk, yoga, prayer and meditation, I paused and reflected on why this cut so deep. It was then I realized my ego and arrogance had mistakenly lulled me into a sense of security in where I was in my growth.

So what lesson was in this?

No matter now far you believe you have come in your growth, it is a lifelong commitment and there will always be some event to test your resolve.

It is through those events you discover what areas to work on within yourself.

The first step is awareness, of how you respond and recognizing it as an opportunity for growth.

It is so easy to place blame elsewhere and deny any ownership in these circumstances.

What are your triggers during stress?

The second step is identifying the root cause of the response.

What made me spiral when I realized the ring was gone?

It is never on the surface you must dig in, feel the discomfort and bare your soul.

Once I dug in I realized it was another lose of control in my life. So much lose and lack of control in my life for the past many years, something as small as a ring, sent me spiralling into full blown panic and anxiety attack.

The biggest tell was my body and how its immediate response was to hold the pain in my back and shoulder as this the vulnerable area where my stress sits.

The third step is forgiveness, yes forgive yourself.

We spend so much of our life putting on a front, being as society expects us to be, that forgiving yourself is not even a concept most of us have any idea how to approach.

Forgiveness sets you free. We are spiritual being living the human experience and everything we experience is an opportunity for growth.

What are you holding on to that you need to forgive yourself for?

This life is about learning and growth and without failure there would be no success.

My biggest lesson in this was I have so much more to learn and through these triggers, each time I will use these steps to move through the discomfort as fear and discomfort lead to growth and opportunity.

I awoke this morning calm with a quiet mind and I opened my jewelry box and checked one more time….and there was the ring I had “lost” buried under other items.

Isn’t that ironic for it to be buried as so many of us tend to bury any challenges we encounter instead of choosing to walk through the discomfort.

Look at every uncomfortable encounter as an opportunity to ask yourself  “What is this teaching me”.

Blessings and Aloha….

Falling in love, the sweet joy, terror and excitement of a new relationship.

Love is just a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning – Paulo Coelho

Have you ever stopped to think how and why we fall in love with someone?

 
Through my journey of self discovery and years of successful and not so successful relationships here is what I have learned.

Chemistry

 
That certain spark, attraction, and draw to someone is where it all begins.

Who are you drawn to? Do you have a type? What is this chemical reaction when you are attracted to someone?

For me it’s all in the eyes. They are the window to the soul after all.

You can tell so much from meeting someone new from their eyes. Over time, through many interactions and self love I now boldly look into someone’s eyes when I first meet them to see into the depths of their being.

I believe love at first sight does not exist, more than not, it is lust.

Only in spending time getting to know someone and being open can you fall in love and build a foundation of a loving relationship.

Chemistry is important however only a piece of a loving, lasting relationship.

Commitment 

What does commitment mean to you in any of your relationships?

It is so important to have this conversations in any relationship in your life.

Equally important is to realize how a relationship ebbs, flows, and changes over time as we grow and learn together.

Commitment is a verb, just as love is.

Wanting to know another person to the core. The amazing, the challenges, and even the dark places.

This is such a show of vulnerability to allow yourself to be authentic and open with another person.

In sharing these vulnerabilities you grow more connected and fall deeper in love.

Yes, I realize this can create fear and doubt however we all are worthy and to be with people who love the authentic you.

How freeing it is to be completely yourself.

I am at a place in my life where I accept me for me and blessed and grateful to have found that with another authentic spirit.

No games, only love…

There is an ease in commitment now. I am whole on my own however the world is so much brighter now.

Commitment is shared goals, values, and dreams.

Commitment is also challenging each other, growing and learning from each other.

Commitment is knowing what you want and not settling for less.

Communication

This is where the most growth comes in any relationship.

How do you communicate in your relationships?

Do you allow your ego to lead a conversation or argument or do you truly listen to your love, friend, or child and allow them to truly communicate in a safe space?

If we are truly honest with ourselves, ego leads us in many disagreements as we immediately become defensive in an argument instead of searching within to seek what is truly the issue.

So what this means is you must share you communication style with others and ask what theirs is.

How do you respond under stress?

What triggers stress in you?

How do you want to be loved? The book 5 Love Languages dives into this and is a great tool in any relationship.

Even if it is difficult to share, consider how much more difficult it is to hold back how you feel and the consequences of not sharing.

Being completely upfront regarding your beliefs and goals opens the door to mutual respect and understanding.

Isn’t that what we all want, to be loved wholly for who we are?

Be willing to face the fear of vulnerability and watch your relationships flourish.

Apathy leads to the ordinary.

Leave a comment on how you have nurtured loving relationships….

It’s been almost four years since Darek continued his journey and I now feel the readiness to open my heart and love once again.

Once that decision was made it was as if God’s hand guided me. I felt lighter, more open and vulnerable.

Then it happened, we met and my mind was racing, my heart protected itself and a shyness enveloped me like nothing I had felt since high school however with the wisdom of experience I allowed you in.

We spent 4 hours together on our first meeting getting to know each other through stories, laughter and the forest surrounding us as we walked.

I soon felt myself relaxing and sharing more. I then hooked my arm in yours as we walked as it felt so natural.

The boldness I felt took me by surprise however I was committed to showing my authentic self to you.

I could feel your nervousness and a protective wall around your heart as well.  This realization allowed me to open my heart to possibility.

I remember the drive home from our first meet and feeling so overwhelmed with emotion….fear, joy, and guilt, all irrationally taking over.

The tears flowed as I poured it out in spare Mom’s arms.

Fear does have a purpose though. It can motivate or cripple, it is your choice to remain stuck or push through.

Then it hit me….vulnerability leads to transformation.

Over the next few weeks we talked daily deepening our connection.

With each conversation, touch of your hand and hug I felt a deeper connection as if our souls recognized each other.

Remember that feeling when you catch your breath at just the thought of someone and your heart feels as though it will burst from your chest?

And all the funny aspects such as butterflies, the wide silly grin, not being able to eat and the craziest no filter.

Every thought I had came out of my mouth.

Falling in love, sigh….

Every aspect of my life transformed.

The colors around me became more vibrant and I radiated joy.

I began to share my joy with the world as well in the form of small kind gestures and words.

Abundance surrounded me as well in the form of many blessing and I am so grateful.

I remember the day when you shifted, let the last of your walls come down and your heart became wide open. I then felt so much love from you and I completed surrendered to you.

Love is a risk worth taking.

It is the greatest gift to give and receive in this life and has the power to heal like nothing else.

I now realize I was so closed off for so many years, thinking that protecting my heart would keep it from pain when in reality it kept all the pain fresh and constant, carrying it with me like a familiar companion.

I now feel the transformation and surrender to it.

Tear fill my eyes as I acknowledge all the pain and loss and how now I am filled with so much joy.

It has been a long painful journey to come back to me and be willing to choose love once again.

Think about it though, do you want to come to the end of your life and have regrets and what ifs?

I feel connected to my true self and am no longer holding back.

Diving into the depths.

Today I remove the rose quartz which has hung around my neck for three years. It has become heavy, it’s purpose fulfilled, my heart ready.

The significance of this small act is not lost to me. The tears flows, another small step on my healing journey.

I feel such a sense of readiness and peace.

I am ready….

To dive into the depth of the unknown and allow my heart to love, as it’s capacity is endless

To embrace the terror of opening my heart

To revel in the joy of new love

To be completely and authentically me

To approach life with wonder and curiosity

To completely operate from a place of love

To inspire and be inspired

To learn and grow

To fall and get back up

To live in the service of others

To speak my truth

And how do you do this you ask?

It takes courage, a leap of faith and a choice to make any change.

Every experience, whether joyful or painful shapes who you become and the choices you make on how to move through these moments are everything.

For example, if I had chosen to remain in the depth of pain and grief, I would have drowned in it and become completely consumed.

I vividly remember in those dark moments those of you who reached out, at first gently out of respect and then forcefully prodding me back into the world.

In sharing those dark places, your circle of family and friends becomes smaller however infinitely stronger.

I chose to use my pain as a catalyst toward healing by sharing my story with others, both the joy and the excruciating pain of loss.

When you show your authentic self the people remaining are your tribe.

The circle of love which surrounds me now is profound and I am deeply grateful.

Recognize the value of those who love you in your darkness not just when you shine brightly.

Consider this, do you want to come to the end of this life and have any what if’s or lingering regrets?

Allow love into your heart.  Yes,  it is a risk and terrifying, however this life is all about living each moment fully present.

As my life blossoms with new love I share the joy I am feeling with all.

Blessings and Much Aloha….

As the new day dawned I smile filled with joy and gratitude for this life.  This practice is scientifically proven to rewire your brain.

My thoughts move to love and it’s meaning and how it has impacted my life in many forms and as I grow, how it’s definition has shifted my perspective.

What is love?

Love of parent
Love of friend
First love
Love of boyfriend
Love and bond of parent to child
Love of husband
Love of nature
Deep spiritual love
Unconditional love
Unrequited love

So many differences however I realize it is all the same. From the heart skipping beat of new love to the deep connective life changing love of giving birth and guiding and molding that child into their own beautiful entity.

It is extraordinary to know the most painful experiences in my life have cracked my heart wide open and I now see it’s true gift and power.

As a child you look to your parents for the meaning and actions of love. A comforting word, hug and safe space.

In the teen years the role models change as you discover the opposite sex and love takes on new meaning.

As you enter the tumultuous 20’s it can shift to what you get from another person. An all about me attitude and unrealistic expectations of the other person, as they are trying to figure it out too.

The 30’s are waffling between total surrender and high expectations ending in heartache.

A profound shift in me occurred when I became pregnant, not planned however a blessing, and the birth of the boys was my first experience of protective, unconditional, overwhelming love. The fear and joy equally poured out as I stared at these two tiny perfect creature created out of love.

I became the quintessential doting mother and for the first time felt a purpose beyond myself. The power and joy of molding a tiny human was both overwhelming and so powerful. It was no longer about me. It was a huge lesson in humility and continues to be as the boys are reaching adulthood.

For me, as a woman, the 40’s became a time of acceptance, less expectations and loving myself. The shift of focusing on me guided me to deeper connections. My circle of influence became smaller and more meaningful. Those select few enriched my life and allowed me to blossom into a kinder, loving, and accepting person.

Then my life shifted once again and the amount of loss was incredibly heavy. In the space of months Darek died, a friends husband, an Uncle, a brother in law, and a dear girlfriend.

The weight of it threatened to break me, however through this my heart opened wider as a hand guided me through and touched the depth of my soul and brought resilience and resourcefulness.

I know without a doubt where the strength came from. I believe there is something bigger than humanity and in our deepest despair we can access this.

Whether you call it prayer, meditation or spirituality we all have the ability to access this in the dark times. The key is to believe there is more than ourselves.

Today the sense of peace and joy in my heart guides me. We never stop growing, the key is to work through the pain and not remain in it. Feel it, learn from it and grow. I am far from being all knowing however feel a sense of wisdom, which was not present in my 20’s and 30’s.

How grateful I am to reflect back on life experience so far and feel so blessed for every moment as it has shaped who I am today.

Every form of love shapes you ,whether it be pain or joy, it is growth. Once you accept this you come back stronger and wiser. Every experience shapes you. Even in rejection you are guided to new experiences, however tough, in that moment, to see through the pain. Rejection, I have learned, is the lesson and guides the way to your truth. On that path, take time to reflect on what that truth means to you and follow it.

Love, to me, is kind, accepting, without conditions, supportive, forgiving, and filled with grace. Forever learning and course correcting until you leave this earth.

Love with your whole heart, dive in, and watch the metamorphosis occur.

If you can, share your story with others. You can never truly know the impact and influence you have on another unless you share your story.

How has your perception of love changed as you have grown through this human experience,both joyful and painful?

Blessings and Much Aloha!

The familiar pattern of darkness surround me today, filling my mind with what ifs.

It takes courage and hard work to move through these dark moments.

How do you change the narrative in your mind?

• I meditate and practice yoga aligning my breath with my spirit
• I reach out to a friend and in that safe space the tears, fears and doubts pours out and run down my cheeks
• I walk in nature breathing in it’s healing

Tears are the ultimate release for me when facing fear and doubt.

The urge to hide is overwhelming however knowing from experience that isolation only amplifies the fear.

I am questioning everything including every decision made. Paralysis, stuck in the loop of doubt, what can I learn from this dark place??

What ifs only create pain and isolation brings fear are the biggest takeaways.

The focus and dedication required to rewire your brain to observe a situation, not react takes constant practice and this delicate balance will be challenged constantly.

Allow the failure, rise and practice more. Life is about learning. Standing at the edge of fear and saying yes, requires courage.

What if we viewed change with curiosity and a place of what can be learned?

I am blessed with a great curiosity and a love of learning and in the slow process of rewiring my brain have come back to these two gifts to push myself out of my comfort zone and challenge myself.

It is a messy time.  

Life has been totally deconstructed down to the foundation. Now unsure how to rebuild, renew, begin once again I tentatively take a step forward.

Even with so much fear of a new beginning I am moved forward from a place of resilience and resourcefulness deep within me.

I am not my thoughts I repeat over and over.

Just breathe….

The weight of it all can overwhelm and the walls around me begin to form out of habit and flight mode kicks in as my fight mode needs to rest.

Unfocused and uncertain reflects in my writing.

And that’s it, in this moment, I choose to rest, recharge, and take a time out.

What self care in times of fear have proven beneficial to you?

The journey continues.

Blessing and Much Aloha….. 

I sit in stunned silence

The surroundings disappear and I am floating, not present, no longer hearing what is being said.

Words which penetrate the fog however do not process…..

Restructure

No reflection of your 12 years of service

Turn in your keys

In that moment ego takes over with anger, hurt, and in shock.

A cry escapes my lips, I hold my breath in an effort to squash it, and sit taller.

They drone on, unmoved and unaware, intent on delivering the script set out on paper in front of them.

As I look back I am stunned at how me being fired without cause was twisted around in order to make the individuals delivering the message feel better about themselves.

I realize as I walk out my life is forever altered once again and feel the panic rise in me.

A defining moment, that is what comes to mind now. There are moments in life that will test you and define you as a person. I believe this was one of them.

I drive to my safe place and as soon as I hear “What happened” a primal scream escapes me and the tears flow freely.

I am so grateful to have people in my life where I can be unapologetically me.

It takes great courage to share the messiness of emotions during drama and I am proud to let them out and no longer burying them.

In every challenge I continue to be fascinated by human nature and the emotional response to a traumatic event.

Shame, an emotion which can shred your spirit, creeps in. It searches for a place to plant itself, fester, and grow within the soul.

I sit in the grief and use every bit of my reserve resilience to pull myself up, evaluate, and stare into the blank canvas which is now my life.

Life has shown me many lessons and in those dark times I get up and move through the pain.

I have been to the darkest place in my mind and never once was giving up an option.

What drives me to keep moving?

So many times I have been asked this.

We all have the strength and are equipped with the tools to rise in the face of pain. It is whether to choose to listen to our head or our heart which determines resilience.

These are the events which have altered my being over the years…

I have caught a partner cheating

I have faced the death of a family member

I have been divorced

I have struggled with motherhood after giving birth

I have watched my love, my friend, my husband disappear in front of my eyes

I have been restructured out of a job

There is power is listing these events. If anything it gives perspective on how you walk through challenges and come out, changed, on the other side.

The darkness is daunting, not staying there is where the hard work comes in. Not listening to those thoughts which tear down your spirit is vital to recovery, resilience and getting back up once again.

Is the loss of basic empathy a cause for such anxiety and depression?

How have we turned into such an “all about me” society?

More screen time then genuine connection time, has turned the world into a place where opinions run rampant made by individuals hiding behind a screen, with such a heartbreaking lack of emotional intelligence.

I feel a deep sadness when I think about the world today and how we have taken freedom of speech to a level of absurdity and disrespect.

The level of societal entitlement is reflected in social media posts trying to connect however we are left feeling more disconnected, stuck in our perceptions.

What can be done to change this pattern?

That is the challenge now, to sit with the ego, acknowledge where I am today and be gentle with myself.

There are times when it is no longer enough to be nudged to move on and then the  universe delivers an unexpected blow to wake you up.

Listen to these messages as you are being nudged because, trust me, the lesson is there.

Do not let fear of the unknown stop you from living, becoming complacent, and moving through life without purpose.

As I sit with the fear of the unknown my stomach churns with some excitement as well. The blank canvas awaits for me to passionately color outside the lines and once again start anew. As the sun shines brightly with each new day I will spread my sparkle and live my authentic vulnerable life.

Blessings and Much Aloha….

I wake before the sun filled with joy to the sound of chickens and the rustle of the palms in the trade winds. I muse what this glorious day will bring.

Endless possibilities await those who are open to new experiences. Is it courage or a choice to leap into the unknown. How many times has fear stood in the way of moving forward with your life and left you stuck in the same patterns spinning.

Sometimes all it takes is a change of perspective, that can be as small as trying a new food or, in my case, travelling solo to Kauai to become immersed in the rhythm of Island life.

Yes there is fear, loneliness, doubt and guilt that creeps in and at times, which threatens to swallow me whole. What to do…..change the lens to which you view the unknown, push through, change the internal narrative, move your body, and shake it off.

The smallest of actions can cause a ripple effect. The simple act of smiling and striking up a conversation with a stranger can have a huge impact, both to you and to them. Everyone has a story and I am fascinated by another’s and how it is they came to this point in their lives.

We are all searching for something and the joy I have witnessed when you ask a great question humbles me. We are all connected. In those interaction, no matter how brief, leave knowing the gift the other has given you when they reveal a piece of themselves.
I have come to the realization that I am the good thing that needs to happen to other people at times and what a gift that is.

The more I am engaged in conversation with someone the more they open and become vulnerable, sharing their hopes and dreams. I am truly honored and humbled by these experiences. I am a lifetime of experience and loss away from the selfish, entitled girl of my 20s.

I now search to connect at each interaction showing up as my authentic self and drawing out the story in others to grow, expand and learn.

We all have a shared connectivity wherein we can learn from and teach to each other through being open, showing vulnerability, and sharing laughter.

Time and time again I have been present to a simple act of kindness opening someone up to more conversation and sharing.

I am now embracing my gift of listening and being present in hope it brings what is needed to others. This gift has always been present however I chose to bury it and pursue my selfish wants and needs. Time, age, circumstances, trauma changed my perspective and opened my heart to serving others by listening.

Always leave an interaction with the other person feeling good about themselves.

To those I have connected with in the past, thank you and to those I will connect with now and in the future, I am ready.

Mahalo and Aloha….

Snow falls, silence comfort, a new year begins, a time of reset

I remind myself to breathe

Right now take the deepest breath in and slowly let it out.

That is the breath of life, such a natural function we take for granted the healing power of the breath.

My heart aches for a friend who is going through unimaginable grief and it reminds me how much this life is a gift with an expiration date, not within our control.

Stop, observe, how do you reconcile those emotions circling your brain, stabbing at your heart, and running down your cheeks?

The recorded clinical stages of grief are as follows:

Denial

Anger

Bargining

Depression

Acceptance

Grief is not linear, or logical, or controlled, or the stages to be approached as a to do list checking off the boxes with the belief you will not feel that emotion again.

How you choose to move through trauma will determine your path from that moment forward.

Either you rise and choose love over the pain and emotional turmoil or you choose to spiral out of control drowning in your grief.

A transformative shift occurred when Darek died and  I continue to do so daily with the influences which surrounding me.

Another huge shift occurred with the tragedy here in our community. A punch in the gut reality check to each of our mortality.

Even when you have experience in the clinical process of grief, it shifts and changes moment to moment day to day. There is no pattern to the stages of grief and each person moves through them in their own time. There is no right way to grieve, despite societies expectations of what it looks like.

Here is what I have learned through loss which may contribute in supporting someone who is grieving.

• “Observe don’t absorb” Wise words from my fire sister. As individuals we come with our own perceptions of loss and how to move through it. Step back from those perceptions and remove judgement of how someone should act and feel and this will not serve you or the person you are trying to support.
• Be present, there is no need to fill the silence. There were so many days I had no idea what I wanted or needed. Food was placed in front of me, the support system in place took care of the life around me which kept moving. The fact the world kept moving was the most painful realization for me.
• There is no expiry date on grief. Even now 2.5 years later I feel the loss at times just as intensely as day one. In the days and months to come the support and check ins will diminish. The second year was so painful as the fog lifted and I realized he is not coming home. The need for support was intense and I learned to seek it out.
• The pull to run away is great and give yourself permission to remove yourself from the pain and begin to rebuild. You will also want to retreat into yourself and take moments to be alone, sit with your grief and breathe.
• Have a go to person. Someone you can share the painful ugly emotions with. If kept inside these dark thoughts will fester and grow. As I reflect on some of the horrible dark thoughts I shared, it frightened me to say out loud however once said the words had no power over me.
• Laughter can heal. I remember the first time I laughed after Darek died and I felt so guilty I immediately cried. Guilt is such a destructive emotion. The stories shared and laughter provide healing to those in need and keep their legacy continuing in a different form.
• Ask for help, reach out. There are so many who are willing to do anything to support in any way possible.

Understand this was my process and we each meet loss in our own way. I share this only in hope to give a small insight into my journey and how you may be able to support in this time of need.

Life is forever changed with loss, the hole in your heart never repairs however you can choose love and kindness to honor the memory and build a legacy on the foundation of love.

Sending love and light to those in need…..

Like the strength of the sun as the seasons change grief can soften and burn with intensity from one moment to the next.  During those intense moments a strength like no other comes to the surface and holds space with the pain.

When your path changes so dramatically overnight how do you move, shape, morph into a new version of yourself? You after tragedy….

Resilience, how to pick yourself up when being swallowed by pain.  I can’t say you bounce back, move on, or ever get over it. You rise, fall and experience intense moments of both joy and sorrow. It becomes your constant companion woven into your being.

I can say my constant companion has awakened me from complacency, the fog of merely going through the motions of life. I find joy in the smallest of moments and at times it takes my breath away. The things I took for granted come to the forefront and I stop, immerse myself and find gratitude in that space.

I have found myself drawn to and others drawn to me by the common thread of grief. That instant connection with someone and not until the connection deepens do you both realize loss has brought you together. The powerful bond of shared loss in search of empathy and a level of understanding.

Everyone experiences loss in their own way, even with commonalities, no ones is the same. I will never truly understand another’s pain however in sharing my experience hope to provide insight to healing.

I believe how you respond to tragedy determines your path. My reality is to move through life with eyes wide open to the wonder and joy.

I am no longer part of  the human arrogance, being oblivious to the expiry date we all have in this life.  The illusion of having more time. The drive for more money and materialistic items. The constant noise of busyness.

I find when I allow the busyness of the world to surround me I become scattered, moody, anxious, and withdrawn.

In stillness I find my connection with nature and my spirit. In that silence I become more aware, taking in the smallest of details which surround me.

What would happen if you sat in stillness right now?

In this world of constant noise I challenge you to sit in silence and see where it takes you.

Share your experience with me.

Blessings and Much Aloha…