Redefining Grief

The constant dance of life, moving forward and then suddenly pulled back by a memory or scent. Perhaps it is the heavy dullness of cloud cover and rain which drags me down or that Spring was D’s favorite time of the year. The blend of past and present which shifts and ever changes. I have been shaped by my past however constantly aware I am morphing each day molded by interaction and circumstance. Some move me forward others stagnant, others return me to old habits.

It is a time of regrowth and new beginnings and perhaps that explains my restlessness. The need, even internal push to keep moving and avoid sitting with the silence. I crave so much the company of another and at the same time the peace of stillness. To find the balance.

My heart is both heavy and full, the balance between joy and pain is blurred by the flood of memories. Breathe in breathe out, the constant ying and yang of life. Life moves forward. The hours, days and months blend together into one. I am acutely aware of  the passage of time and learning how to be present in each moment.

The boys grow, change and suddenly I see a glimpse of the men they are becoming.

The constant for me is how to fill the void of growing up without a Dad. As a woman how can I fill that space? The truth being I cannot and I accept that….however…

As I sat with an amazing group of women, all with different perspectives shaped by their life experiences I realized this, right in that moment, is what is needed to raise strong, emotionally intelligent young men. This community of women supporting each other through the many joys and heartbreaks of life through both laughter and tears.

The wisdom and insight of this diverse group inspires me to keep striving toward being a model of resilience for my boys.

Honesty, transparency and vulnerability become lifelines in this process. When pulled into negativity the balance of what serves me and what must be let go off becomes uncertain. Let it come in, sit with it and let it go.

I am perfectly imperfect, struggling daily with constant demands.

I looked into the darkness and felt the pull, as I looked closer, my eyes began to clear and through all those cracks the light began to pour in.
The darkest times transport me toward my destiny….

As a woman, a community of women is key to digging in, removing barriers and getting to the root cause. Being open to differences of opinion and truly listening without judgement brings such insight and growth.

Find your tribe.

Those amazing spirits who accept you and embrace all facets of you

Those who celebrate your accomplishments

Those who are there for you during challenges

Those who make you laugh through streaming tears

Those whose presence you feel even when distance is great

Those who check in for no reason

Those who hold up the mirror when necessary

Those who see when you cannot through the layers of emotion

 

My boys are so blessed to be surrounded by such women who influence their daily lives.

This blog is dedicated to all the amazing women who continue to show up and be present for both myself and my boys.

Thank you and Much Aloha!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Experiences, whether a life altering event or the small day to day discoveries, they shape you.

Your choices and how you choose to process those choices ultimately results in the person who’s reflection you see in the mirror.

Think about a life changing moment for you and how you made choices getting there and what followed those choices.

Here’s my story…..

I was working at JPL and dating, caught up in the fun of this life when I made the choice to go to Europe for a few weeks.

Upon my return I fell back into the rhythm of that reality and then suddenly I am engaged and then poof married.

I was 23 and so young in so many ways. I clearly remember the night before the wedding sitting on the floor in a hallway with many doubts flying through my head however too caught up in the process, which had taken a life of it’s own, to speak my truth.

I chose to get married.

That choice changed the course of my life dramatically. Moving to Calgary, working, owning a home and sleepwalking through life. Those 3 years married were uneventful and unmemorable until the morning I woke up and asked myself  “is this all there is to this life?”

There was no hesitation in the resounding “No” which came to me.

That day I left, no turning back, moved out and on with the life I wanted for myself.

Here’s the thing about choices, they are simple however sometimes the most difficult thing to do. You will doubt yourself, crave the security of monotony and second guess the next choices you make. Push through, the other side of pain is joy.

Do not regret any choice you make in life. The lesson will be great and potential joy worth everything.

So many lesson from that brief chapter of my story.

• I realized how much I did want to have a child
• How much my values are important
• DO not settle…I mean ever
• I am worthy
• I am strong
• What you may consider a mistake is always a lesson

That experience elevated me to my next greatest lesson in joy and sorrow and as I share this small moment in my history, it is with no regret.

Listen when your intuition speaks to you, it is there to guide you through the next doorway and be OK with not knowing.

Let go and be open…..

It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light           G.K Chesterton

Here, right at this moment, is not where I ever thought I would be. Two teenage boys, building a life with them without their Dad.

I choose to see the lesson and I know clearly I would not feel the joy I do now if I had not experienced such heartbreaking sadness.

And so I continue to grow with my experiences and choices, learning at every turn.

Let the discoveries shape me…….

Blessing and Much Aloha

Where to begin, right now at this moment and how incredibly grateful and joyful I am for today.

How did I get here…

For me it took 7053 km away from home to make me realize for certain where I belong and the happiness I have here and within.

This is huge….

I have spend half my life searching for the elusive “happy” and it is nothing external it is within yourself.

Travel gives you a different perspective, shakes you up, pushes your limits, engages all your senses and literally wakes you up.

I consider myself quite self aware, however even I believed it takes a huge event, person or sign to find “purpose”. I have come to realize that this moment now is all that matters and is my purpose.

Everything I have experienced so far in my life has brought me to this moment of clarity and has exploded my heart and spirit.

I crave simplicity, joy, and above all connection.

I am blessed to share I have all of these things in my life now and realize how much you, as an individual, you influence those around you. I never imagined how brief encounters can dramatically affect myself and others.

Think about this, let it sink in, every interaction influences….

What I have learned…

• challenges means growth
• this moment is everything
• be authentically you
• fill your life with experiences not stuff
• love without limits
• ask for support
• let go of control
• surround yourself with those who challenge and lift you
• self love bring all other love
• kindness and manners matter
• find your passion
• travel expands your spirit
• in everything there is a choice

The time you have is limited so treat it as a gift. Do those things you are “dreaming” of.

A dream is just an unfulfilled thought so think huge….

An interesting turn of events from my travel is it took a trip to Costa Rica to reignite my love of Italy. Expect nothing and let your journey unfold and surprise at every turn….

My journey has taken me to learn Italian

Blessings and  arrivederci….

 

 

 

 

 

Memories wash over me like the cool salt water of the ocean I grew up near and spent every summer in.

The thing about memories is that they fade and soften becoming translucent with time.

My Dad has been weighing heavily on my mind as his health takes anther shift.

Two memories instantly come to mind as a shift in our relationship.

The first being when I was 25 and decided to end my 2 year marriage. The gloss had faded and I woke up one morning asking if this was the life I wanted for myself. I remember calling home and speaking to Dad, not one for phone conversations at all. The one thing he asked is if I was happier since I had made the decision. I said yes. He will never know the impact those few words had on me.

The next few months were difficult to move through however I kept those words in my head to move me forward and they projected me into the life D and I formed together.

The choices you make have a profound effect on your life. Don’t ever think they do not.

Thank you Dad.

The second time was when I woke up turned to D and said I need to go home. So home I went and proceeded to surprise Mom and Dad. It’s this thing I do for fun. It was the last time I would surprise visit them.

I walked up the stairs to the living room and at that moment I realized my Dad was growing old and frail. He looked at me no teeth and all and began to cry saying I knew you would come. Powerful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Now tears were never something to expect to see from Dad as I imagine he was brought up to never show weakness and shove all emotion down.

Seeing that vulnerability in my Dad made me feel closer than I ever have to him. We had a special moment connecting on a deeper level than we ever have. He was real.

Thank you Dad

I now sit filled with equal amounts of joy and sadness….

 

 

 

 

 

The shift began not long before D passed away, the realization that holding onto anything is truly not in your control however this realization does not make it an less painful of a process.

D began this journey of lightening by letting go of all his possessions while he was here to those he loved. I watched as he moved away from stuff, to fear and anger, to letting be.

I remember so clearly he and I going through his clothes together, saving some for the boys, some to friends and family and the rest were donated. I learned a different kind of strength that day, watching him laugh and smile.

My memory of this time is slowly returning as I heal and move through the emotions. I feel joy and sadness at once as a memory drifts by.

The material things D collected do not bring me closer to him. It is in a fleeting moment of clarity with a memory that I can feel, smell and remember his touch. Tears formed as I wrote those words. Touch and smell are powerful senses.

What may seem strange and foreign to many is the feeling of marriage lingers long after lose, both the joy and pain.

I began the decluttering, minimizing, or purging a few weeks after D died. It began as a way to distract myself from thinking of the pain and loss, however quickly turned into the fact that simplifying brings forward what was truly important and what legacy I wanted to leave the boys.

I am on day 14, ironically Valentine’s Day, into a month challenge to lightening the masses of stuff collected over the past 20 years. The single years, the boyfriend years, the husband years, and the kids years have all contributed to the overwhelming piles of stuff…

For me stuff has always represented prestige, keeping up with the Jones, and the one thing you think will fill the void in your being. Is that not so glaringly obvious what society wants us to believe, excess is happiness. That cannot be further from my truth.

As I move from room to room, box to box, item to item I begin to feel freer and lighter and not the burden or heaviness. Sometimes I pause to look at the item, such as my journals from 1988, and decide to read it one last time reflect on how much I’ve grown and then let them go.

Living in the Valley has brought me back to the basics. Being in nature, yoga, writing, and simplifying my life.

There is an overwhelming amount of writing and media regarding minimalism. To me it is to live without excess. By excess, I mean material possessions not without kindness and generosity. If you choose this path, it is what you make it, not what others believe it to be.

I began in my clothes closet which, in itself put me over the edge. Too many choices are not necessarily a good thing. How many of these items were bought on a whim, a quick pick me up. Buyer’s remorse, ah yes many times.

Each item I took off the hanger, tried it on and then either kept it or put it in the donate pile. What made me part with something. If it lifted me up I kept it. It truly did come down to joy, did it bring me joy.

The less and less stuff I have the more and more joy and lightness I feel.

This is my journey, it may seem similar to others, however we all make choices and the choices I make are opening my heart and soul to the wondrous possibilities of living with less….

My journey to Pura Vida! Living a peaceful, simple, uncluttered life with a deep appreciation for nature, family and friends.

Blessings and Much Aloha….

Today the waves came with a vengeance and as they crashed around me the tears flowed. I stood firm allowing the emotions to come with the pain. This time I held my ground not running or filling the void with food or other distractions. Accepting where I was at that moment.

When the waves quieted and as I came back from the edge I felt relief and joy. It does not get easier however now I sit with my sorrow, learn from it, grow strong in my alone time, and look inward for peace.

I desperately want to reach for the phone and hear a loving voice however stopped myself as who truly understands any ones loss or pain. The one person who comes close to knowing is on her own journey through loss.

I have no great wisdom to share to support you through your lose, I can only share my story in hope it will bring some comfort and sense of peace. There is no right way to grieve, only your way. It is a personal journey with a thread of the familiar.

When I now recognize the signs of an impending wave I no longer distract myself or run away. I sit and breathe in all the pain, loneliness, and fear of my thoughts and accept this is where I am in my healing.

Today I focus on that which brings me joy and swim to the surface for that long cleansing breath. A walk in the snow, taking pictures of the beauty which surrounds me. Cooking a delicious meal for the boys and just be in my thoughts.

When the waves come, and they come when your logical self believes you are at peace, I rise to meet them instead of going under.

These actions have supported my healing.

• Getting outside and breathing in the beauty
• Yoga and breath
• Find a passion. I write, cook and capture moments with photography
• Show kindness. Today I delivered cookies
• Tell stories of D
• Cry, weep, let it out
• Laugh from deep inside with people I love
• Reach out
• Sharing my story
• Being authentically me

I asked Adryan today “What’s something I say a lot?” His response was “I love you”

Now that is the greatest gift in my healing for my boys to truly know how much I love them and it to be what I say most to them.

Today in my quiet moment, I am vulnerable even brave…

I find the strength and courage to be vulnerable by allowing my thoughts to form words and through this process my healing continues.

Blessings and Much Aloha….

 

 

I recently wrote to a complete stranger how loss was all your thoughts and emotions smashing together and exploding leaving you broken, unfocused and looking for any distraction not to feel….

It has been weeks since I have written any thoughts or feelings. Hoping to create a sense of normalcy to our lives I bake all the things I have in the past. Feed your feelings, right?  Christmas is around the corner and D’s memories fill me and protectively I try to push them away. It’s a fine line between honoring his legacy and the cracks in my heart.

I have been busily filling my time with distractions not wanting to sit with or examine how I am processing the loss 1 year 4 months later. Is is easier? When distracted, yes, when sitting with it, no.

Easy is not the right word to express moving through loss. As I sit my instinct is to avoid and mask the pain. When you shove feeling down for so long it is challenging not to fall back into the pattern.

As the boys and I decorate the tree I share stories around the origin of certain ornaments and I feel joy and sadness in the same moment.

I am stuck between keeping traditions from our many Christmas’s together and creating new ones. The sadness of the boys not having their dad and the joy of how they have grown into such amazing young men.

I am humbled by their ability to show such grace. I learn from them each day.

I instinctively seek out strong male influences for both of them. Aleks very clearly voicing how he misses this connection. Adryan, more reserved, seems to pull away. He struggles with loving and losing.

I am shifting when it comes to my life and what my purpose is. Never had I imagined I would be so focused and intentional with life. The gift of the boys, is D and I came together to have them and my purpose is to support and encourage them as they grow through their live forever changed by the missing piece of their heart. Nothing comes before this and being their role model is a daunting role to fill.

They each process in their own way. Aleks by working hard to fill the void and Adryan by pushing back on everything, trying to find his way.

Our connection is so strong we can identify what is going on with each other and discuss it open and honestly no matter how uncomfortable it is. Not a simple task with 2 teenagers.

We are achieving this through these commitments to each other:

• Say what we feel, no matter how ugly we think it may be
• Be kind to each other in all things
• Say I love you, you can never say it too much
• Share your world
• Go on adventures together
• Call each other on our crap
• Hug and hug some more
• Laugh so much it hurts
• Share secrets
• Take interest in each others lives
• Respond not react

I am moving away, shifting from others expectations, and through the eyes of my boys, carrying the legacy of their Dad, finding the balance between new beginnings and cherishing the memories.

It is a simple task however far from easy.

Blessings and Much Aloha….

 

 

Have I developed some hard edges, cynicism about life?

Has what I have been through created a protective shell around my heart?

I watched this beautiful movie of a young girl who believed in destiny and she had been searched for her soul mate since she was a teenager. Turns out it was not quite the happy ending she had created in her mind.

What is a soul mate?

Is it a grande illusion created in your mind or is there someone out there you will meet and your life is forever changed?

I have made connections which have altered my path and changed the course of my life. Someone who looks into your soul and does not fear what they see.

I have loved and I have lost, be it by choice or out of my hands.

I believe in a grande, passionate, soul connecting love, however have a great fear of opening my heart after such grief and pain.

To let go of the illusion and be open to a soul connection is daunting.

There is so much love within me I fear it will burst to the surface like a spring flower.

My definition of connection is to share, be touched, held and be open.

I feel I am riding the wave of my emotions in order to avoid diving deep and discovering my most authentic self.

Those who know and love me know I love “my bubble”, it’s safe, protected and comforting. The dilemma of a bubble is it can become stagnant or burst at any given moment.

I wait…..for what? Like by some miracle someone will knock on my door with a sign the says “here’s your future”.

My future, my destiny is within my reach and the choices I make directly affect my future.

Just now I thought “when the boys are done school I will…” Why does it have to be later? What is stopping me from plunging into my dreams right now?

I want to explore new destinations, meet new people and feel the joy of discovery.

What can do to move forward with my dream?

1. Acknowledge I am afraid….OK I am terrified of hurt and pain…

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…Alfred Lord Tennyson

So if I live the rest of my life safe in my bubble what chance is there for growth, joy, or love for that matter?

Authenticity can be uncomfortable. It means not settling in work, relationships, life at all. It means not fitting into society’s need to conform.

2. Embrace my uniqueness

I love to burst into song at any given moment and dance. I search for beauty in every moment with an open heart and mind. I can sit and stare at the ocean for hours soaking in its movement and life. I am a dreamer.

3. Share my story

This blog started as my journey to health through changing the way I consume food and has now shifted to healing through sharing my story, open and honestly. I find peace when I write and feel joy in sharing a glimpse into my life.

So if you are willing to crack my soft shell you will expose genuine love and passion.

Blessings and Much Aloha……

Today I struggle….

With perceptions and expectations

The balance between what is said and how it is heard

Where to have my voice heard and when to let be

How to reach someone who is disconnected, turned off, tuned out and escaping through distraction

This world today is so disconnected in so many ways

Communication of choice is text, email, chat, over being physically present. I wonder what effect it is having on my children’s ability to connect socially?

My son fully admits to having discomfort in crowds and shying away from new experiences

Escaping to a video game over having a conversation

How do you rewire the brain, change the pattern, and form a new habit?

It takes commitment and constant awareness to change a pattern

When it is a 12 year old boy who is struggling with the loss of his Dad, it takes so much more

It is a constant push of limits, suppression of mother’s guilt, and dare I say ultimatums which can wear you down and self expectations become unrealistic

You feel pushed to the point of giving up or sometimes worse giving in, instead of facing the challenge head on

The definition and expectations of being a parent in our society is not achievable so I choose not to bend

How can anyone successfully balance work and raising children?

Each day I rise and do the best I can, stumble, reflect, get back up, try again. Never give up as your child looks to you for guidance and models your behaviours

That realization engulfs with in a wave of emotion and breaks my heart as my youngest son learned his coping skills from me

I threw myself into work, busied myself with distractions instead of facing my fears. I use myself as an example with my son and admit to my mistake and share with him that I work every day to change the behaviour. Daily I show him how to deal constructively not destructively when not knowing how to express emotions

I believe that is the difficult part, as changing behaviour has no quick fix, it takes work, tears, laughter, frustration and even anger to work throug.

Relationships, any relationship, takes commitment, compromise and transparency and the weight in molding a child is heavy

Those days when I cry yourself to sleep from self doubt, replaying over and over in my mind how I could have done it differently, be aware we are all imperfect and doing the best we can every damn day

Be kind to yourself

I remember so clearly the influencing messages of those who surrounded me

Be strong
Do more
Super mom
Show no weakness

I cannot approach parenting like a task to get over with. It needs time, dedication, nurturing and more love than you ever thought was possible

I now know this was not my voice it was others expectations and to be vulnerable and ask for help was when I also let the floodgate of emotions open

Being strong is actually showing vulnerability and authenticity
I struggle
I get angry
I yell
I revert to old patterns
I threaten
I give in
I negotiate
I love
I forgive

I am not alone in these feelings and I have learned to be kind and forgive myself

When my son and I react to one another I cry in front of him and say I’m sorry and express how I am feeling in hopes of rewiring his brain of past behavior. It works and is so much work and commitment

The pain of the words “go away” and “leave me alone” cut deeply

I have learned to give him space however ask how long does he want to be alone and come back to hold him and talk it out

It is far from perfect however every day I wake up thankful and every night I reflect with gratitude on the day

My relationship with my boys will be perfectly imperfect and together through these challenges we will form a stronger connection

Being a mom is the most exhausting, emotionally draining thing I’ve ever experienced…

Love keeps me together….

Blessings and Much Aloha….

 

 

Sunday morning, out for a walk, the clouds hung low, only a brief glimpse of the fresh snow on the peaks, hidden from sight however imprinted on the mind.

At every opportunity I stop breathe in the crisp morning air and truly see the beauty which surrounded me. The many shades of grey in the sky, the subtle textures of the rocks, the random burst of mushrooms through the ground, the vibrant shades of autumn leaves under foot and still clinging to the trees, and the ever present silence of approaching winter.

The trees are about to show you how beautiful letting go can be

The power went out yesterday, a frequent bonus of living remote, and brought my thoughts to how quickly time passes and how to slow the moment.

To be present, no agenda, is a frightening place for most of us to be. No endless list to check off, no telephone or computer to distract us from what is important, the now.

We are going to list, schedule, organize, prioritize, busy ourselves into the ground and one day wake up and 80 years have past and then what…..

When was the last time you sat quietly and listened to your soul?

Just be…..I challenge you to try it on and share the experience….

So I never wanted to be alone, felt I needed someone to fill the void inside me, never once considering I myself can fill that void by nurturing my heart and letting go of expectations I projected onto others.

Sad to think I felt I was incapable of being alone, it was a time with no self confidence and painfully shyness.

It is in the joy of aging and reflecting, becoming comfortable in your skin.

What a powerful awakening to say you like yourself, it transforms your whole world.

The more time I spend developing the relationship with myself, the more grounded, at peace and joy I experience.

This life is completely about the small moments of joy, laughter, and connection. That moment when you see a part of another’s soul.

I cherish those moments, seek them out, crave those glimpse into another’s being.

Powerful and life changing

I have made many wonderful deep connection the past year and continue to dig below the surface with all interactions.

My heart continues to have the cracks however it is illuminated with a glorious light.

Show me your soul….

Blessings and Much Aloha…..