Redefining Grief

The seasons continue to change both internal and external. The familiar anticipation of the wood stove being lit, the smell of comfort foods simmering, the crisp morning air, the warmth of being snuggled under the duvet as the first light of dawn appears, that complete silence in that space before the day begins.

I have grown and learned so much the past 407 days and continue to at every moment. Growth is messy uncomfortable work.

Honor the space between what was and what will be…..

Naked, exposed, vulnerable why are we so scared to show our authentic self.

I was asked to dinner this week and it happened so organic and naturally I leaned in and said yes.

The space between the ask and the actual date was telling. I had believed I was moving through this “new normal” well, being open and loving.

Surprise…. not so much

I broke both physically and mentally….shattered and it was messy.

My body was holding so much in, it rebelled and took me down, literally, flat on my back.

With the first adjustment at the Chiropractor, the flood gates opened. With the neck adjustment I was sobbing. I had wound myself so tight that the slightest touch released it all.

I am a paradox sheltering my heart from the connection that makes me flourish. I had fallen into safety, thus preventing me from moving forward and experiencing joy and dare I say love.

Fear, panic, self doubt exploded to the surface…completely irrational thoughts took over and I spiraled back to old patterns.

I loved the idea of moving forward however had build such a wall around my heart that I was stuck between fear and diving in.

I am so blessed to have a circle of amazing friends and family who embrace my messiness without judgement as well as give me the much needed dose of reality.

I just let go verbally and emotionally expressing my fears and doubts and in opening that door realized I was not living in the moment I was falsely creating the moments to come.

I needed grounding….I went back to my yoga practice and mantra of “I trust” and let be in that moment calm and at peace. I went to the lake which immediately grounded me to the present  moment and was smiling as I let the water carry me.

I had so accelerated this one moment in time I had come to its conclusion even before the moment had happened.

My fear of taking this small step took over any rational thought whatsoever.

Without taking this step I would remain stuck, without growth, stagnant in my life.

Change is scary, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that is the sign to push through to the other side, whatever the outcome, growth will happen in the leap.

How did I move forward?  By choosing the exact thing I loved and feared…..connection

I thank those fearless, as I perceive, people in my life who challenge my safety and push me to grow into my happiness.

And so with another first behind me,  I reflect on the lessons learned….

• allow life to unfold unaltered by perception
• breathe long and deeply
• get it out……the thoughts and feelings by writing or speaking them
• exercise until you are so tired you cannot be”in your head”
• have someone you love call you on your shit
• holding pain, emotional or physical, will break you
• safety is scary and also stagnant
• Connection is joy

A final thought….as my date leaned in for a kiss I moved for a hug….

A work in progress I am, but aren’t we all

Blessings and Much Aloha!

 

You came to me in a dream last night.

It was my wedding, process that piece in future, so vivid. Your whole family was there. There were intense feeling of anger, guilt and shame.

I asked your sister in law where you were, she replied with a number? I asked a second time….

There you were so full of life in front of me, unsure at first and then that beautiful full smile.

I begin to cry uncontrollably

I reach out to you and I feel you hold me close

It was in that brief moment I felt you once again

No words just touch and healing

It was that moment just before you wake when the intensity is so strong

The space between reality and the dream

I close my eyes and try to recreate the feeling

It is gone however lingers

I feel so deeply……all emotions bubble to the surface

The joy of you close once again

The pain of knowing it was but a moment

The sadness of thoughts and feeling not shared

Permission to move forward

Remember when we used to write each other full of romance….

Hi Baby,

Thank you for accepting me, full of flaw.

I would rather run than face any challenge, burying myself in work rather than face cancer head on, shut down instead sharing my hopes and fears with you.

Through the painful process of dying I discovered my strength, grace, love for both myself and more for you, forgiveness, acceptance, joy and peace.

Regrets? yes, however I forgive myself and accept

Thank you for our boys. You must be so proud, as I am, of what amazing young men they have become.

They are my world and keep me moving

We talk of you every day with love and laughter

I feel you all around us

Love you,

Jo

My dream has reinforced my faith. I had not dreamed of D since his death. He believed he would leave this world never to return. I believed, hoped, selfishly he would come back in some form to give me a sign, to feel his presence.

I feel peace and sadness at once

Another step on my path to healing

And healing I am, slowly, moving forward

Blessings and Much Aloha…..

 

 

We surround ourselves with the familiar, stagnating in the mundane, while dreaming of the wild freeing beauty of adventure

I find myself more present in the moment, finding joy in the simplest of tasks

Pausing, looking through the eyes of my heart

Engaged in the wonders which surround me

A contentment unfamiliar yet fulfilling

My heart full

An excitement in the now, not knowing, accepting

Letting be rather than letting go

The past has cracked me however stitched together with tears of joy

Experiences ebb and flow through me

Open vulnerable giving

Seeking connection

Embracing my sparkle

Nurturing the relationship with self

Peace

 

Blessing and Much Aloha……..

A blank page, the clean slate, all the tapestry of life awaits me.

I struggle with what the truth 1 year later brings. I struggle with the labels society brands me with. The relationships permanently severed and those infinitely stronger.

Widow is not a death sentence, the definition is infinitely diverse from one to another. It is my believe in the definition for which I struggle. I grew up in a small loving community, albeit sheltered, never preparing me for death.  My grandmother when I was so young, too young to even know what it meant. My cousin whose tragic death scarred my heart forever with the funeral.

My only point of reference for widow, is old. That is what I saw when I was growing up. a couple who had lived their lives married for 60 plus years and one passed away. I struggle with what that means to me. Young, vibrant so much life left to live and the partner in this adventure gone.

The past year has taught me so much about my character and authentic self.

I no longer participate in small talk, I want to hear your story, what molded you into the person who is before me

I no longer bury myself in busy work to avoid feeling

I no longer seek approval from other, it comes from within

I no longer hide, I actively seek out connection

I  no longer settle

I no longer hold on to control

I no longer seek fulfillment in material items

There is a detachment between seeking fulfillment through material items, food, drugs, or alcohol and seeking fulfillment through connection, community and within you. Filling with things rather than love. Never will you truly be full until you look inside and listen to your soul.

I know in my heart this path I am on is a gift. The alone time, sometimes too much, returns me to focusing on purpose and discovery.

There are days when I am gasping for air when grief slaps me like the waves on the shore. Other days I feel such intense joy. Is it not what this life is to experience joy and sadness at such an intensity it makes you cry out. Without sadness would there be such intense joy.

I was numb for so long the first wave of joy was such overwhelming foreign concept I immediately tried to analyse it. Get out of your head and feel with a wide open vulnerable heart and watch the world unfold.

Let all of life flow through you in acceptance as you never let go of what you have experienced in your life however you change, adapt, and move forward.

As a family we hiked to Gimli Ridge as a final request from D. The journey was intense and at many points of the unrelenting trail I wanted to give in to the exhaustion. My son was instrumental in pushing me through to make it. The peak itself is magical and spiritual at 9100 feet/ 2774 m rising from the fog like cloud cover of the day.

On the side of the mountain with Gimli rising in the background I felt such exhilaration and intense joy. I knew why D wanted us to hike to such a spiritual wonder.

Thank you D

Blessings and Much Aloha…..

 

 

 

Alone…..Lonely…….

There is a fine line between the two and a constant shift emotionally when I think of these words. Is it a feeling, is it a state of being, or is it both?

Being alone can be such a gift in this time of constant stimulation. A time to regroup, slow down, just be. For some this is a terrifying place to be and it translates to loneliness. How do you accept, grow and learn from each state of being?

Do we lose ourselves in the “busyness” to avoid the perfect peace of being alone?

There is a freedom in being alone, a thrill to choose what you want.

• The thrill of travelling somewhere new solo.  Letting go and trusting the process and being open to adventure. I have made amazing connections in my solo travel.
• The release of paddling on the lake with nothing but the sounds of nature as your companion.
• The exhale when you know your children are safely held by the community, and for the moment you can let go.
• The exquisite focus and movement of yoga.
• The joy of no expectations.

There are also times you crave connection and the key being to reach out and ask for presence and know that a balance of both keeps you grounded.

For me is it loneliness or is it healing and discovery? I have discovered things about myself which are both good and areas where I need to grow and accept. In those “lonely” moments do I crave companionship or is it longing for what is gone? Unresolved unaccepted moments as I get lost in my minds wandering.

Do I want someone to share with, absolutely! However now is it my time of discovery and to nurture my soul. The relationship with yourself needs to be cared for more than any other.

When was the last time you spent quality time with you?

I shift grow and adjust to this new reality.

Right now is the time for me to shine in my authenticity. My vibe has absolutely attracted an amazing tribe.

I am alone in this moment however not lonely……

 

I want to talk about grief, openly, spill all the messiness and sit with it, not bury it like some burden or shameful secret.

It will be a year this month since my path was forever changed. It does not get easier, it shifts, moves, changes, fragments, and shatters. I experience moments of excruciating pain and blinding anger. I swear, I talk to myself or maybe it’s you, trying to rationalize how time moves forward and how I feel stuck in the same spot and forever changed at the same time.

I am a thinker, planner and deeply connected emotionally. I crave connectivity with others however avoid shallow surface conversations, choosing silence instead. I have a reoccurring dream of running away to a place I know no longer exists. A faded memory of a place I created in my mind of what this life is.

I cry, I sit with my grief, I wallow at times. I try to rationalize my thoughts and feeling based on society and fail miserably. Guess what people I want and need to talk about what I am going through not have assumptions made of how I should act and what your definition of grief is. We all will grieve different and so we should.

Do not judge me for you have not walked my path and I have not walked yours.

Yes, I am strong and thank you, however I too want to be told it will be OK and what I am feeling is OK. That deeply rooted need to survive and be loved is there. Kindness is so powerful. I crave it, seek it out.

I feel so heavy some days it takes everything in me to get moving. It truly is one moment at a time and being kind to yourself through the process. Despite the exterior bravado I am still hurting.

I am working through who I am each day on this new path and I see glimpses of the authentic whole me. I feel in limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. The lesson is in patience. The patience to be fully in grief and surrender to it all. Accept the joy, the pain, the heaviness, and the barrage of memories.

I want to share discoveries made through this process.

• Amazing individuals have entered my life
• I choose alone over settling
• I believe in love
• I feel joy so completely I cry
• Being authentic me brings authentic to me
• Be vulnerable, push past the fear
•  I cry, and cry and cry some more….there are no end to tears
• I am strong
• I choose silence over chaos
• Ask for support
• You will have such debilitating waves of anger
• Take a tiny step each day
• Inner strength picks you up
• You will want to hid from feelings, let them in no matter how ugly
• Believe in yourself

I do not know where this path leads, and yes it scares the hell out of me, however each day I begin with new hope and accept me for me.

Blessings and Much Aloha……

 

 

 

 

On the lake yesterday I experienced the strangest disturbance, north waves combined with a  gusty westerly wind. As a paddled against the wind and rode the waves it moved me further from the shore and down the lake. The first thing to enter my head was fear which quickly moved to stubborn determination.

As I leaned into the wind and focused on the power of my stroke in the water, there was a shift. The mind is a powerful tool as it can be your ally or your enemy. It is your choice. The fear can be a great motivator when channeled.

I had manifested this lack of channeling the whole week, feeling consumed to the point of recklessness. It was also presenting in my body as a three day headache and total body fatigue. Questioning life, purpose, and passion while falling into old patterns of thought and eating.

The first step is to identify the cause and then walk through it with acceptance. Naming the cause has never been a challenge, it’s the walking, feeling through it that has me stumbling constantly.

What makes it so difficult to be authentic and true to yourself?

Fear…….

The endless obsessive dialogue in your head of all the reasons to conform, fit, label, be silent, sleepwalk through life.

Wake up!

On the edge of fear is where your greatest personal transformations will occur.

Hold on, push through, do whatever it takes to keep going.

When the fear came on the lake, I chose to lean in and paddle hard to safety. One stroke at a time listening to the paddle hit the water and the rhythm of my breathing. There was nothing else, pure focus to achieve.

Take that and apply it to being true to your authentic self.

Life is not black and white think of it as a rainbow of color waiting to be explored by finding out who we truly are.

The longest relationship you will ever have will be with yourself, take the time to nurture that first and foremost.

What would happen if you where more true to you?

Is today your day to shine bright and spread your sparkle?

Blessings and Much Aloha….

 

 

The pull of the past can be overwhelming, a need to relive those fading great moments and experiences what feelings the place evokes.

I have felt the need, no physical pull to go back to a place where so much of my character was formed and influenced. A place that shaped me in ways no other has since.

The dream started a few weeks ago, I was walking on a trail alone beside Beauvert Lake filled with such peace and joy. 10 days ago I messaged a friend who tells me she will be in Jasper for 1 day. After 20 years the opportunity to go back presented itself. Without hesitation I said I am so in. The time off work, a place for the boys, it all fell into place.

These are those serendipitous moments which whispers in your ear and if you are not tuned in, can easily pass you by. You can ask the questions…why now, how can I do this, what if……or you can lean in an accept the gift which has been presented.

For the planner this was a true test of letting go. Drove the 8 hours alone through a packed ferry, 3 construction sites, and endless tourist traffic, to arrive at 10:30 PM with just enough light to see those beautiful mountains which hugged me for 5 years. I felt so at peace and full of joy I cried. The beauty was breath taking and it was like the first day I  arrived back in May 1991.

Memories are a strange thing some things were perfectly vivid and others were completely forgotten. It is like watching a movie reel only you are in it and all is distorted by time and memories. I know there were tough sad and stressful times working there however time had softened those memories completely and left only the excitement of connecting with those who were my family for those all consuming 5 years.

Friendships can solidify or fade over the years. Resort life is intense working, eating, sleeping, partying, and living with the same group of people 24 hours a day. Through that intensity we grew inseparable and bonded for life. We became family.

Fast forward 20 years later and our family has grown with spouses and  children however the connection remains. To spend time with a woman who influenced my life so much was amazing and surreal at the same time. Many times I would fall silent, smile and take it all in.  Especially the relationship between mother and daughter.

My little brother had grown into a man with an amazing, grounded wife and partner. To see them interact and the love and respect was a gift. I am proud to see the life he has created.

To reminisce of the times we spent together reminded me of how different our memories are and what we hold on to as individuals. I spent much time in silence and trying to hold onto every word, feeling and moment.

One comment which surprised me was that I was the grounded one of the group. I see that in me every day now however in those days I was just trying to fit in and find my way. Interesting how something so obvious now was just hidden under the surface. It is what happens when you show your true self, your core does not change over time, you just get closer to your true self.

So you can go back…..only you are the best version of yourself which your friends had seen all along.

I do not think I will ever be able to truly express how it felt to reconnect with my Jasper sister however that’s OK the feeling is still here and will remain.

Blessings and Much Aloha……..

 

 

Someone asked me a few days ago “what is love” and wow took my breath away… Think about it, truly what does that word evoke in your mind and deeper in your soul?

I have loved and believe in love fully, however it has never been quite what I expected. That right there is it, I expected……Think about it, we all have the basic need, want, desire to connect intimately with another soul. Along with that comes preconceived ideas of what that love looks and feels like.

From an early age we are filled with images of love and learn its meaning by observing the interactions of those closest to us, our parents relationship.

My childhood was quite magical surrounded by nature and the freedom to explore. In my mind still magical and such a blessing to be so carefree.

My Mom loved us fiercely for a woman who was transplanted from the city to the middle of the wilderness with four children and a husband who worked hard to provide, which kept him from being home.

I have often asked her how she managed the sheer vastness of the foreign atmosphere. She said she just did, it was all she knew. That was what you did for family. See that is love…

Not until I had my own children did I realize how true that is. I will do anything to give my boys a loving secure, nurturing environment to grow up in. The freedom to make mistakes and the discipline to keep them grounded. Not an easy balance….That is love….

Accepting yourself and others for who they are, flaws and all, can be challenging. However when you just be, open your heart and  truly listen, we are all connected. Asking one thoughtful question leads to such discovery and connection. Love is non judgmental….

When someone is in pain even the smallest of gestures are the greatest of gifts. Whether it be cooking, listening to someone’s story, a smile, a hug, reaching out to someone in need. Love is empathy……..

Now in my life I want honest deep conversation. This requires  letting go of fear and asking for what I truly want. It is freeing to be completely honest and not bending your values. Love is vulnerable…….

I embrace the glorious mess that I am. I am flawed. I am befriending all of me. I am peeling back the layers and becoming whole. Love is acceptance……

I am not sure what the future holds for me however I am leaning in, letting go and open to the journey. I am ready…..

Blessings and Much Aloha…..

 

 

 

It has been a struggle to get here focused centered, even with the pull to write distractions and busy work have been easier frankly than facing the energy swirling around me.

As I dig dipper into my own awareness and authentic self, the more in tune I am to the energy around me. The past week has been heavy, unbalanced and emotional charged, much like the weather. More and more I am feeling an energetic pull to push through and face the unknowns which await me on my path.

In trying to face those unknowns you must chose to surrender to vulnerability. Simple however not an easy choice to make. The first step is to lean in and take a chance. Whether it be a smile to a stranger, coffee with someone new, or hiking alone to the top of a mountain, push through your head saying “can’t” and move to your heart saying “hell yes”.

I surrendered last weekend to the pull and hiked through snow and mud to arrive in the cloud surrounded by peace.  It is exhilarating and fearful at the same time standing alone in the clouds, however once I focused  and let go an incredible sense of joy washed over me.

In life we spend way too much time inside our head instead of just “being” in the moment. Avoidance and distractions become the easy way and the thought of being still seems impossible. It takes practice and dedication to feel comfortable in your own silence however once you make the commitment the peace and joy you feel is a gift.

Believing there is an energy source greater than all of us at play and connecting to this opens you up to endless possibilities. Standing on the mountain peak enveloped in cloud with the wind blowing reinforced this belief and what a gift this life is.

This is what I have learned so fr in my journey, be your authentic self and the right people will gravitate toward you, be completely open in every encounter and amazing connections are made, and believing in your path will get you out of your head and living through your heart.

Blessing and Much Aloha……

This quote made me stop in my tracks

You are not accidental. The world needs you.

Without you, something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it.

Osho