Redefining Grief

When on the lake it is a conscious meditative act for me. The placement of the feet, the stroke of the paddle, and the movement of the body all contribute to a successful experience. The water is the one place I am truly present, joy enters and the sound of the paddle in the water calming. Yesterday all was in balance for a beauty of a SUP with flat water, sun and 8 degrees. For February, highly unusual indeed.

Being present and focused are key elements to success whether on the water on in life. The moment the mind wanders to your to do list, whatever it may be, the balance shifts and you no longer feel secure in your ability. It has taken so much work to bring my focus back and feel in the moment once again. The water is my sanctuary. Even as a young child, growing up in Nova Scotia, the ocean drew me in.

Wow, that’s me circa 1979 in Nova Scotia.

Balance is such a challenge in this world of in your face media and and the constant barrage of images of what an “ideal life” is. Materialism and “keeping up with the Jones” is so ingrained into our culture that simplicity seems so foreign and even ostracized.

Find what you love, it is in all of us however we must listen to our intuition. The phrase “go with your gut” is so true. Intuition can be buried deeply within us due to life circumstances and how we chose to be daily.

The first step to having balance in your life is to decide what is important to you. What kind of legacy do you wish to leave? Carve out time for self care and in that time create, journal, exercise, meditate. Whatever opens your heart and mind to endless possibilities.

I have always kept a journal since I was a teenager as it took all those thoughts running around in my mind and made them visually tangible. Never did I think journaling would turn into a blog which in turn was the path to healing. We truly can accomplish anything we put our mind and focus to.

So balance for me is the self care of yoga, SUP, writing, and spending time with individuals who lift me up and challenge me to greatness.

Once self care is a priority it spills over to all facets of your life and brings joy.

---

Since becoming a Paleo girl I find I crave a sweet snack, which is a complete change from the salt craving.

Here is a no bake energy ball snack….

Chocolate Hippie Cookies

Ingredients

1/2 C Almond Butter

1.5 C Unsweetened Coconut

1/4 C Raw Cashews

1/4 C Chia Seeds

3 T Raw Cacao Powder

8-9 Dried Figs or Medjool Dates, roughly chopped

1/4 C Raw Honey

Method

Place all ingredients in food processor

Combine on low speed until blended

Form into 2 inch balls

Dig in

Refrigerate to store, they won’t last long

Thumbs up from the boys, who I am slowly weaning away from white sugar. They were shocked when I said no more in the house, however they are adapting. Score one for Mommy!

Life is all an achievable balancing act.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.”

• Rumi

Blessings and Much Aloha!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being at the crossroads of fear and joy is so exhilarating.  It is the culmination of so much planning, dreaming and doing. Take if from me even the darkest of life’s moment can be the doorway to much joy. Believe in your path and things begin to fall into place. Show kindness and practice gratitude. As the purging continues I feel a lightening of the heart and mind and such a sense of freedom.

When you feel fear and are apprehensive you are heading in the right direction. Keep pushing through and it will open you up to unbelievable opportunities and you will attract the people you need in your life now.

This blog was a gift and the way for me to heal and share my experiences as I return to my authentic self. I never imagined it would transform my passion into a career. The next few months will bring my dream to a reality. I carry such hope and joy when I thing of how far I have come.

Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream.

Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.

Lao Tzu

The amazing thing for me about cooking is no matter what I am feeling as soon as I bring out the knifes, bowls, and ingredients I feel the joy enter. Add favorite music in the background to sing and dance around the kitchen, what a gift!

The boys and I have a huge Rottweiler cross, Maximilian, which Darek had taught to howl on cue to Italian opera of all things, however now the dog just sings whenever I do. Another daily reminder of D and it always brings a smile to my face.

I have always loved pizza and this cauliflower crust fills the craving.

Cauliflower Pizza 

Crust

1 Cauliflower shredded fine in food processor

1 tsp Spices  (rosemary, thyme, basil, garlic powder, pepper) grind together

1 T Coconut Flour

2 Egg Whites

Steam cauliflower until soft, set aside to cool

Combine spices and grind

Once cauliflower cools add spices, coconut flour and egg whites, combine

Divide into 3 equal portions

Place on pan, lined with parchment paper and mold to desired thickness

Baked in preheated 400 degree oven for 15-18 minutes

Remove from oven  and add your toppings

Crisp Bacon chopped

Caramelized Onions

Tomato Basil Sauce

Minced Garlic

Baby Spinach Leaves

Heat in oven just to warm and wilt spinach 3-5 minutes

Dig in

1 portion is easily devoured

Such a blessing to live where I can SUP to such secluded spots on a pristine lake.  The above photo is one of my favorite places to find solitude and just be.

Remember to find what you love and nurture that passion.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ” Wow, What a ride!”

Anonymous

Much Aloha!

It has been a challenging week and working through a lot of emotional baggage and that sense of obligation taught from childhood has pulled me in many different directions.  Unbecoming culturally imposed rules and finding your authentic self is a life long process.

This morning as I unrolled my yoga mat, sat cross legged and began deep breathing to  become present taking in much needed self care time, I realized how far I had come on my journey.

In the past I would turn toward unhealthy food and wine to comfort my emotional stress. A friend had recommended to look at what things bring me joy and make them the go to outlets and now that they have become a habit. It is simpler now, however still cannot say easy. My response to stress is so ingrained in me from the past that it takes much self talk each morning to choose wisely.

What comes to mind is the journey through Darek’s diagnosis and how we chose individually, to deal, not deal with what that meant to us as a couple. Four years is a long grieving time and it takes a huge toll on relationships, especially when one shuts down and the other bury them self in work.

So this messy, chaotic, joyous time was filled with great teaching moments. Only now can I look back and surrender to acceptance. I learned to be the caregiver I never thought was in me. From being told a lifetime of “You are so emotional”, I believed I could not take care of anyone else let alone someone I loved and was disappearing in front of me.

It was if my heart my smashed open, the more I compassionately cared for D the more loving kindness entered my heart. Those few weeks before his death were both excruciating and joyous. How many people truly get to say goodbye?

I understand now that the vulnerability I’ve always felt, is the greatest strength a person can have. You can’t experience life without feeling life

Elizabeth Shue

One of our greatest joys as a couple was cooking, so I feel I am carrying on D’s legacy each time I prepare a meal for my boys and I. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed many great wines together. What a gift for my boys to experience this.

So breakfast has never been my thing. Grab a coffee and go. Once at work there would always be a sweet danish to keep the high going. The crash would come about 11 as well as the headache.

Now I love breakfast, the best part is to throw away all those preconceived notions of what breakfast should be. Cereal, oatmeal, yogurt none of this stayed with me until lunch. I was hungry by 10 AM and some days even earlier.

Let’s talk bacon, one of most flavorful meats and then add sweet potato to the mix and the  combination is a winner.

Chicken Sweet Potato Hash

1  Large Sweet Potato, cubed

1 Small Onion Chopped

1 Pkg Bacon

4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs, chopped and salted

1 C Chicken Broth

2 tsp Rosemary, dried and crushed

1 tsp Pepper

1 T Hot Sauce

1 T Maple Syrup, optional

Salt to taste

1 T Bacon fat

Method

Cook bacon in skillet over medium high heat. Put aside

Cook chicken thighs in 1 TBSP of bacon fat in same skillet, remove to rest

Add onion to skillet with bacon fat, cook til softened, 2 minutes

Add sweet potato and broth, cook uncovered until sweet potato slightly soft, 6 minutes

In a bowl mix pepper, fresh ground rosemary, maple syrup, and hot sauce to coat chicken and bacon

Add to skillet

Cook until crisp bits form on potatoes, constantly scrapping pan, 8 minutes

Serve with extra hot sauce and a side of avocado

This is my go to fav for breakfast!

Blessings and Much Aloha!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I search for peace and quieting of the mind. Cooking is that place for me. The decision of what to make, the gathering of ingredients, the chopping, the smell of the spices freshly ground, the flavors harmonizing, and the first taste is a truly blessed ritual for me.

Life will continually challenge you, it is how you respond to it that determines how we grow, move forward or remain stuck. A challenge will continue to show up in your life until the lesson has been learned.

I have never dealt well with stress and when Darek was diagnosed with cancer I remember being strong for him as he cried and the protective walls around my heart started to form and over the years became thicker. Everything changed that day, we both were grieving the loss of our carefree lives as we knew it.

Even as I write this my memories of this time are surrounded by a fog and not truly present. The body responds to stress in extraordinary ways. To look at me from the outside I was a highly functioning Mom, wife, and member of the community, when in reality I was feeding the emptiness with processed foods and wine. We all cope the best we can with the tools we have. I have forgiven myself.

Acceptance means, for now, this is what this situation, this moment, requires me to do, and so I do it willingly___ Eckhart Tolle

Along with changing my relationship with food, I began practicing yoga, SUP daily, cooking, journaling, and laughing. Find joy in the smallest moments and be present in them. Believe in yourself and make the choice to move forward with joy.

In the past when I thought of sweet potato, joy did not come to mind. My experience with sweet potato was in the form of fries and  the mush served at Thanksgiving, not the greatest introduction.

Here is a sweet flavorful sweet potato curry.

---

 

Chicken Sweet Potato and Kale Curry

3 lbs Chicken Thighs (organic thighs are comparable in price to non)

2 large Sweet Potatoes cubed

1 bunch Kale, stalk removed and ripped into pieces

3 inch piece Fresh Ginger grated

3 cloves Garlic minced

1 large Onion

2 cans organic Coconut Milk

1 cup Chicken Stock

1 Tbsp Tumeric

3 Tbsp Cumin/Coriander seeds freshly ground

1 Tbsp South African Curry

Salt Pepper to taste

Method

Salt and pepper the chicken thighs

Heat 1 Tbsp coconut oil or Ghee in skillet

Once browned on both sides set aside to rest

In the same pan add garlic, onion and cook until soft 3-4 minutes

Add ginger for 1 minute

Add ground cumin, coriander and let bloom for 2 minutes, breathe in the fragrance

Add tumeric and curry

Add sweet potatoes and mix the glorious aromas together

Taste and add more curry for more zip

Salt and pepper to taste

Add chicken stock and coconut milk and bring to boil

Simmer until sweet potatoes can be pierced with knife 5 minutes

Add kale, turn heat off and cover

Kale will soften and turn a beautifully vibrant green

Spoon into your favorite bowls and enjoy

Watch out, second helpings go without saying

 

The above photo was taken in 2013 while I visited the Lawai International Center on Kauai.

On this land 88 Buddhist Shrines were discovered and restored. This is a truly spiritual place which brought peace and calm to me the moment I set foot there.

Here is some history from the website Lawai International Center

“In ancient times, Hawaiians built heiau in the Lawai Valley only to be followed by
the Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese and Filipinos and their structures of worship. In this valley, are the remains of the prayers of all ethnicities and religions. And it is to this valley that for the past fifty years, grandma has continued their legacy.”

I recommend visiting this beautiful sacred place.

Much Aloha…..

 

 

 

 

 

I fall  I rise

I weep I smile

I sleep I wake

I shatter I heal

I anger I quiet

I internalize I connect

I fear I hope

I sink I float

I smolder I ignite

I grow

I change

JMJR

---

February, always a tough month for me as the sun, by now, is a distant longing. Dreaming of rich earth, sand in my toes, and SUP adventures.

The above picture is a reminder of the beauty that is winter here and to bring me back to center. The poem is one I wrote to remind me of the joy that is ever present even in pain.

I really had to dig deep today to become present on the mat. Breathing in the scent of  essential oils and lighting a candle brings stillness in body and mind. My favorite go to essential oil is Frankincense. Instant uplift of joy!

With one boy off on a winter camping trip and one on a bouldering day trip, I can take more self care time today.

No phrase resonates with me more than “grief comes in waves” and they are crashing today. The trigger today was a text from my Mom saying Dad has an appointment to discuss surgery options for blocked arteries. My Dad is now 82 and has dementia.

Here is how I love to remember my Dad. The James Dean look and the happiness in his eyes.

So today I need comfort, like a warm blanket and the wood stove blazing.

Today I will share one of my favorite comfort food recipes, the Paleo version of a BLT.

Yes bread or a substitute for it as your base. I love a naan type which when toasted gives it a crunch.

Paleo BLT

Bacon, antibiotic free

Tomato, organic

Spinach, organic

Tahini, as mayo

Avocado, sliced

salt, pepper to taste

Naan 

1/2 cup almond flour

1/4 cup tapioca flour

1 cup organic coconut milk

Ghee- clarified butter

Combine almond, tapioca flour and coconut milk in bowl until smooth

Heat skillet add ghee to melt and

Spoon batter into pan, gauging your size. I use a ladle

As with pancakes wait for batter to bubble and fluff before turning

It does take time for these to cook

Remove from pan

Cool and toast to desired crispness

Just feast your eyes on that, so flavorful!

Remember if it brings you joy, do it. It may not be easy every day however it is simple.

The wound is where the light enters you – Rumi

Much Aloha!

Deciding to change the way you eat is not an easy task. It is a challenge every day to make the conscious choose to eat healthy. Essentially you are giving up certain foods which actually make you crave them the more you have. A great example for me are salt and vinegar chips, Lays to be specific. There was never just one or a few, It was the whole damn bag in one sitting. Even when the whole bag was gone, every little crumb, my body was still craving more. In my experience that is a key indication of what not to eat. It was a chemical reaction in my brain, all reason left and I had to have more and more even to the point of feeling sick.

What I noticed first when eating Paleo was that my taste buds changed and foods I believed I did not like turned out to be my go to’s. I had never developed a taste for avocado, actually found them a tasteless, mushy mess.

It was truly a blessing to travel solo to Kauai in 2013 and reawaken the carefree outgoing JoJo. The first day was sensory overload with the abundance of fruit, the lush vegetation and the calling of the ocean.

Indulging in the flavors of fresh papaya each morning for breakfast and the gigantic avocados.

Seriously can you even. The flavor, yes there was flavor, was rich and creamy. So then and there my love affair with avocado began. Once I returned home I began experimenting with the avocados available here in Canada. Adding it to salads, BLT’s, chocolate mousse and guacamole to name a few.

Here is a simple recipe for guacamole

1 avocados cubed

1 tomatoes cubed

1 cloves garlic minced

1 Lime juiced

Cilantro fresh chopped to taste

Salt to taste

Serves 2

Combine in bowl avocado, tomato, garlic, juice of 1 lime, and generous handful of cilantro.

Dig in.

Can’t you just taste the tomato, garlic, lime, avocado, and cilantro combination. The perfect flavors of summer in winter.

For today I will leave you with a very thought provoking video on how the labels we place on each other are very limiting.

Much Aloha

Questioning Labels

As you choose to make the Paleo leap it is important to set yourself up for success, as I shared in the previous post, by finding support in your tribe. The next step is to to go through your kitchen and purge those items which do not serve or haven’t used by donating or selling them. The joy I found once I started with the kitchen it flowed through to the rest of my life including clothes (how many pairs of jeans do you really need?), books (will you read it again), music (listen to it once again and keep or toss), DVD’s(so kept my Disney classic cartoon),electronics( that 1970’s TV). Breathe in and let go.      Stuff cannot fill the void, searching within does…..

Going through my music collection REM is resonating with me. Music truly heals.       Take a listen to Nightswimming 1992, hauntingly beautiful.

Simplify means less clutter in your mind and life. Truly freeing!

So my boys are somewhat resistant to the whole Paleo shift. They are great about trying and then of course want there stand by favs such as spaghetti (I have spag. squash as noodles), shepherds pie (sweet potatoes) and Mac and cheese. I make their meals and modify for me. With this in mind it was so vital to carve out a space with my go to items.

A good friend (seriously what a great friend) came and we completely tore the kitchen apart.  Arranging it with convenience and functionality in mind. That was a few months ago and working beautifully.

Here is a list of my  kitchen tool must haves

1. Food processor
2. Single serving blender for smoothies
3. Crock pot
4. Roasting pan
5. Good quality knives
6. Cast Iron fry pan
7. Cutting boards
8. Fun measuring cups, spoons, bowls, spatulas
9. Glass storage jars

Pantry must haves

1. Coconut oil
2. Coconut milk
3. Organic chicken/beef broth/ or make your own
4. Almond milk
5. Almond flour
6. Almond butter
7. Nuts/seeds – almonds, pecans, walnuts, cashews, chia seeds
8. Tahini
9. Arrowroot Flour
10. Dried Fruit (obsessed with Medjool dates)
11. Herbs and spices (Indian spices are my go to)

Fruits and Veg (pesticide free) this list reflect current winter season availability

1. Spinach, kale, all the greens you can find
2. Sweet Potato
3. Squash
4. Carrots
5. Beets
6. Cabbage
7. Garlic/ginger
8. Onion
9. Avocado
10. Bananas
11. Apples

So as I write, what comes to mind is cost. Let’s address that. We live in a small community and eat seasonally. We are blessed to plant a small garden which can sustain us from June to October with an abundance of fresh veg. As well as local farmers markets. We have fruit trees which bare pears, Italian and golden plums and a cherry tree. Another advantage of our community is sharing your abundance with others in trade. Fresh herbs can be grown year round inside. Winter months can be challenging however local grocery stores stock what you need.

I choose grass fed beef and organic or antibiotic free chicken. Chicken thighs are my go to cut for flavor and convenience.

Consider it an investment in your long term health and the first set up costs will be higher than sustaining the way of life. With all the money I am saving taking a bubble break (sigh love the bubbles) those funds are redirected to great quality foods.

The best advise I can share is to be conscious of what you buy and have as little waste as possible. I cook on weekends for the week and freeze meals for convenience. When roasting a chicken I use ever bit including the bones to boil for broth and soups. I have the boys help so we can connection at the same time. With commitment it truly works.

Yes it takes time, which we all feel is a precious commodity in this instant gratification world. Use your time wisely. Society has become too accustomed to the phrase “I’m busy”. Put the effort into those areas of your life you love.

When you start cooking you will develop your go to meals and then plan for the week what you are making. Planning is the key to success. Make lists/charts whatever works for you. A chalkboard is key to keeping me on track.

Plan Plan Plan!

There are so many great resources out there with amazing recipes to build your go to meal collection, including this one 😉

Today’s photo credit goes to me. This was the perfect flat water condition to Stand Up Paddle Board on the lake and connect to my source. SUP is my passion.

Until next time, Much Aloha!

 

 

Does fear keep you from making a choice or are your choices made from fear – JMJR

 

When making a change of any kind, it is often met with a barrage of questions and opinions.

• You don’t eat what?
• That will never work
• Paleo, what kind of diet is that?
• Aren’t you hungry?

Be kind, stay true to your authentic self and believe. You can do whatever you put your heart and soul into!

So Paleo is eating grass fed meats, wild caught fish and seafood, vegetables, primarily green leafy, fruits, nuts and seeds, and healthy fats such as coconut. Getting back to your roots in the way of eating healthy, non GMO, organic foods.

Avoiding all grains, processed foods, refined oils and sugars, legumes, starchy vegetables-white potatoes, dairy, and alcohol.

Yup even as I wrote it, it sounds daunting and impossible.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself say “I’m possible” Audrey Hepburn

I feel what is important in the success of any goal is to have a tribe to support you through your change. I am truly blessed to have a friend who also eats Paleo and has found great success though healing of health and allergy challenges. She and I share recipes and swap stories on what is working, what is challenging and cheering each other on.

Let me share my journey though the first 30 days.

I made the choice to go cold turkey the first day and included coffee in my avoids. (Now for those who know me, know I love coffee and have since those fun filled crazy Jasper Park Lodge days back in the 90’s) If I was to commit it must be 100% and in 30 days evaluate how I felt and looked and adjust accordingly.

The first 4-5 days were the most difficult resulting in headaches, cravings, irritability and tiredness. This was from my love of salty chips, daily indulgence in bubbles, and processed foods.

I remember noticing a shift the next week when I realized I was no longer reaching for a snack between meals and was not craving a glass of wine. By cooking mindful meals from scratch and being present in the process you become very aware of what is going into your body, soul, temple.

As with anything this was simple however not easy. I was off work dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and overall sadness/depression. My husband was slowly disappearing in front of my eyes and my boys were struggling as well.

Keep in mind this is my journey and if you choose this way of life do it on your own terms. For me it has been and amazing transformation!

The next post will dig into the change in my taste and my relationship with avocados and sweet potatoes……

Photo credit goes to my late husband, Darek. This was taken on one of his many hikes though our beautiful community. The photo to me speaks of rebirth and transformation.

Much Aloha!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The shift began in September of last year, as my friend and I planned to fly to Vancouver and drive back a car for her daughter, however as fate would have it the flight was cancelled due to weather. As we stood in line waited for a refund our energy was high and we began to spread our sparkle.

How is it we become our true open self when travelling?

As a conversation developed with a fellow passenger, we began opening up and discussing Paleo and how it had transformed his health, both mentally and physically. That was the moment I committed to changing my thoughts and relationship with food. For years food had become an emotional enabler filling a void brought on by a diagnosis of cancer in my husband.

My journey, all of which are individual, to healing is a testament to how making a conscious choice can change your life forever.

Here I will share my journey as well as recipes. Mindful cooking has kept me present and slowly brought joy back to my soul.

Much Aloha…….