Simmering…..

I want to talk about grief, openly, spill all the messiness and sit with it, not bury it like some burden or shameful secret.

It will be a year this month since my path was forever changed. It does not get easier, it shifts, moves, changes, fragments, and shatters. I experience moments of excruciating pain and blinding anger. I swear, I talk to myself or maybe it’s you, trying to rationalize how time moves forward and how I feel stuck in the same spot and forever changed at the same time.

I am a thinker, planner and deeply connected emotionally. I crave connectivity with others however avoid shallow surface conversations, choosing silence instead. I have a reoccurring dream of running away to a place I know no longer exists. A faded memory of a place I created in my mind of what this life is.

I cry, I sit with my grief, I wallow at times. I try to rationalize my thoughts and feeling based on society and fail miserably. Guess what people I want and need to talk about what I am going through not have assumptions made of how I should act and what your definition of grief is. We all will grieve different and so we should.

Do not judge me for you have not walked my path and I have not walked yours.

Yes, I am strong and thank you, however I too want to be told it will be OK and what I am feeling is OK. That deeply rooted need to survive and be loved is there. Kindness is so powerful. I crave it, seek it out.

I feel so heavy some days it takes everything in me to get moving. It truly is one moment at a time and being kind to yourself through the process. Despite the exterior bravado I am still hurting.

I am working through who I am each day on this new path and I see glimpses of the authentic whole me. I feel in limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. The lesson is in patience. The patience to be fully in grief and surrender to it all. Accept the joy, the pain, the heaviness, and the barrage of memories.

I want to share discoveries made through this process.

• Amazing individuals have entered my life
• I choose alone over settling
• I believe in love
• I feel joy so completely I cry
• Being authentic me brings authentic to me
• Be vulnerable, push past the fear
•  I cry, and cry and cry some more….there are no end to tears
• I am strong
• I choose silence over chaos
• Ask for support
• You will have such debilitating waves of anger
• Take a tiny step each day
• Inner strength picks you up
• You will want to hid from feelings, let them in no matter how ugly
• Believe in yourself

I do not know where this path leads, and yes it scares the hell out of me, however each day I begin with new hope and accept me for me.

Blessings and Much Aloha……